Decisions, Decisions
I have friends who are really competent women. They’ve taken care of business all on their own for decades and seem to handle anything that gets thrown at them…with strength and grace. So why do I, as a widow of four years, stumble over something as inconsequential as buying a lawnmower? Holy cats! You’d think I was making a decision of epic proportions!
I went to Lowe’s…twice. I went to Home Depot and Walmart. I went to Rural King…twice. Finally I went back to Lowe’s and bought the first lawnmower. I mean, a lawnmower is a lawnmower, right? Wrong! Apparently, there’s a great deal of importance placed on things like self-propelled, front wheel drive vs. rear wheel, a larger rear wheel, Honda vs. Briggs & Stratton vs. OHV engines, mulch vs. side discharge vs. rear-bagger. There was a time in my life when I would have just bought the most expensive one with all the bells and whistles. Oh, who am I kidding? I would have just payed to have it done. But those aren’t my options now. Decision-making changes with circumstances. I chose the 21" Toro with the Honda engine. It was on sale.
Sometimes I can make decisions like a boss. I took the new truck in because there was a “catch” in the tailgate and I have heard a funny vibration a few times. They tried to tell me it was the turbo I was hearing. No, I told them. I know the difference. This was not the turbo. I went on a test drive and said a quick prayer that the sound would show up while the repair dude was with me. It did. A couple parts have been ordered and it gets fixed on Friday. I didn’t back down when they pulled the “Silly woman, you’re hearing things” trick. But I can’t choose a lawnmower?
There are lots of changes and choices and decisions I have made since Mr. Virgo died. Some I have deeply regretted almost immediately. Some took a while before remorse set in. Others have turned out to be the most amazing blessings and have changed my life in delightful ways. Grief affects the way your brain works and I’ve come to forgive myself when I stumble in the decision making process. I’m not perfect, but I try to do my best. Most things are fixable so if I make a mistake, I’m never too far off course. I just have to remember to cut myself some slack and not be too hard on myself. ❤️
“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14 ESV