What a Trip
High anxiety. Even with four years under my belt. Even with good grief counseling and EMDR treatments. Even with plenty of prayers, introspection, and traveling 55,000 miles. One medical emergency sends me into a tizzy. I worked in medicine for years. I x-rayed accident victims long before they got cleaned up. I’ve had babies and surgeries and countless trips to the ER. Doesn’t make one iota of difference. I don’t handle emergencies well since Mr. Virgo died. I have a tendency to melt down and throw up and then I berate myself for being weak. Even though I know I shouldn’t. It’s not my fault my brain works differently now. It just does. Grief has altered the way my brain functions, physically as well as emotionally.
This week I took my friend V on a tour of my hometown, searching for the perfect things to do during the Sisters on the Fly event that we’re planning in September. We were driving up this street and saw…a giraffe, in someone’s front yard. We looked at each other and V laughed. “Ok, we don’t have time for this but go around the block, will you? I need a picture of that!” Dutifully, I pulled back around for this fun photo op. V jumped out of the truck and crossed the street behind me and I took the opportunity to check my messages and e-mails.
Several minutes passed and I began to wonder what was taking her so long. Suddenly, I heard the “whoop, whoop” of an ambulance right behind me. I jumped out of the truck to see what was going on. There was V, laying in the street with a man bending over her, his car parked nearby with the door still open. OMGosh! The first thing that went through my mind was he had hit her and knocked her down. Fortunately the ambulance was at the stop light a block away and saw what had actually happened. It turns out V had stepped in a pothole, turned her ankle, and went down in a flash, hitting her head on the curb. When I got over to her, she was surrounded by people and was obviously both disoriented and anxious about all these unfamiliar faces so near.
I immediately went into panic mode. My fight or flight response wanted me to run to the next state, which is actually pretty doable considering we’re on the OH/WV border. Equally strong was my desire to help my friend. After an evaluation of her injuries, it was determined she should go to the ER and get checked out. I followed the ambulance and called a friend on the way to talk me down. I got V her purse, watched them wheel her back through the double doors and promptly threw up. I simultaneously felt better and horrible. How can I help those I love when I can’t handle emergencies?
Anxiety sucks. It’s invisible. The person you are freaking out on has no idea what is going on in your body. They just know you aren’t showing up for them. It’s irrational, but you are convinced you are going to die. You have this terrible fear of throwing up or making a scene and that makes it worse. Your palms sweat. Your heart pounds. Your skin crawls and gets alternately hot and cold. You feel breathless and faint and desperately nauseous. It’s horrible. It makes me feel weak, even though I know deep down I am a strong woman. The only thing I can do is use some Rescue Remedy spray under my tongue, concentrate on my breathing, and pray. It helps when I have an understanding friend that I can call and just listening to a calm voice soothes me. I’ve had EMDR treatments, and…believe it or not…this has infinitely improved. It’s an odd thing, though. It doesn’t happen every time. I can be in similar circumstances and one time I’m fine…another, I’m a mess. I think that’s one of the most frustrating parts.
I always tell you, plain and simple, what life is like for me after losing my husband. Grief is unpredictable, messy, and such an enigma it can really mess with your mind. Everyone who experiences grief has a different story. I tell mine in an effort to embolden you to tell yours. To talk about what you’re going through. A week, a month, a year or five years. Talk about it. Tell your stories. A burden shared is halved. ❤️
“Joshua said to them, “Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the Lord will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.”” Joshua 10:25 NIV