Sick & Tired

“Can’t we all just get along?”

Those of you who have been reading my blog for some time know that, even in my grief, I’m a pretty upbeat individual. Mr. Virgo used to call me Pollyanna because I always look on the sunny side of life. I objected saying there’s nothing wrong with looking for the light, even in the darkest situations…as long as you don’t stick your head in the sand. I think I keep a weather eye out for the realities of the world while still trying to look on the bright side.

I’ve gotta tell ya…and this is in NO WAY a political post…but, I’m just sick and tired of hearing all the ugliness these days. I keep looking for the God-spark in everyone and dang if it isn’t disheartening sometimes. I read something yesterday that punched me in the gut. Teachers can no longer teach kids the way we were taught. Because, the world we were raised for no longer exists. We didn’t have a TV till I was in school. Countries on the other side of the world were nothing but stories in the encyclopedia. We didn’t have indoor plumbing at my grandma’s house till I was in first grade. We went from that to landing a man on the moon by the time I was in high school. To think the computer onboard an Apollo spacecraft was far, far less sophisticated than a Blackberry…and they are archaic in the grand scheme of things.

Between the Information Age, readily accessible electronics, and Joe Public’s thirst for all things that would have been cringeworthy a decade or two ago, we are bombarded with violence. When I grew up, coverage of the Vietnam War and shoot-em-up Westerns were about as violent and graphic as anything you would likely witness unless you saw a terrible accident. You can’t put smoke back in a bottle. Once you see this stuff, it’s in your brain…and in your heart.

Mr. FixIt and I had to run to town yesterday to get the shower insert for the new bathroom. As I was gathering my things to leave, he asked me to watch a story from CBS Sunday Morning. It was about Sandy and Lonnie Phillips. Their daughter was one of the victims in the 2012 mass shooting in the movie theater in Aurora, CO. She was with a friend who was an EMS. He was shot twice and he did everything he could to save her, but he couldn’t.

As I watched this story, my heart broke for all of them. I know grief. But I know nothing of the grief that comes with violence. Instead of climbing into the never ending hole of horror, they chose to help other victims of mass shootings. They’ve rented their house out, quit their jobs, sold everything they owned, and travel from place to place pulling a travel trailer….following the shootings. They started in Newtown, then went to Isla Vista, San Bernardino, Orlando, Las Vegas, Sutherland Springs, Parkland, Santa Fe, Pittsburg and Thousand Oaks. The equivalent of a soldier with PTSD running into firefight after firefight after bloody firefight with no end in sight.

It brings them no joy. They still cry every day out of sadness and pain and it’s been seven years since their daughter was murdered. But they do find satisfaction in helping others who are coming up the same path behind them. They are able to hang onto each other and offer comfort to others while being bombarded by conspiracy theorists who verbally threaten and harass them. Their super power is compassion.

My soul is tired. My brain is bruised. My heart is weary. “I can do hard things.” But…in reality, can I? Could I do what the Phillips’ are doing? Could I survive such horrors? I think I couldn’t, but I know God could. I know I had to rely on Him to carry me through Mr. Virgo’s death so I have no reason to believe He won’t carry me through everything that comes to me in this life.

I’m just so tired of all the anger, hatred, ugliness, violence, pain, depravity. I cling to the joy and hope I find in my faith. I pray for this world. I pray for wisdom. I pray for peace. I pray for strength to get through a time that numbs me. I don’t want to be numb. I want to always, always, always look for the light. Find the good. Encourage the downtrodden. Shine a light in the darkness. See, here’s the thing…there are a lot more good people on this earth than the media will lead you to believe.

Look for the light. Look for the helpers. Yes, I get weary…I just can’t quit.

So, I press on. I go outside and put my bare feet on the earth to ground myself. I feel the wind on my face. I close my eyes and turn my face to the sun. I hug people…a lot. It’s the best gift I can give them because I can’t help but get a hug in return. 

If all of these things bother you, too…turn off the TV. Put down the newspaper. Go outside. Nature heals.

❤️

“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. They must turn from evil and do good; they must seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.””    1 Peter 3:9-12 NIV