The Making of a Family
Before I get into this subject, let me first get something straight...I adore my children and their families. I love my exes and their spouses and their kids. I love my new bonus family as my own. And, I’ve got to tell you...the bonus family is easier. Let me explain.
I always wanted to be the kind of grandma that everyone would flock to my house. We’d bake cookies and I’d fix their favorite meals. They’d drop in for visits...just because. We’d have barbecues in the summer and big family gatherings at the holidays. It would be comfortable and we’d be a close knit family.
Then...I battled with depression for the better part of ten years when my kids were growing up. The medications I was on altered my personality and I really didn’t care about anything or anyone. I was essentially medically checked out. Then came the overdose and the horrible aftermath of that.
It’s been twenty years since then. We’ve done a lot of healing and we all get along fine now. Economics and my desire to live in my home state again took me away from my Colorado family and I don’t get to spend as much time with them as I did when I lived there. They have busy lives and we don’t get the chance to talk on the phone nearly as often as we would like. I know much of this is in my head, but I feel like I try too hard to be “extra” to make up for the rough times I put them through. They tell me it’s fine and they love me...it’s water under the bridge. They always want to do things with me when I’m there. I know it’s totally self imposed, this feeling.
I’ve been enjoying this really easy relationship with my bonus family here in West Virginia and it’s made me consider why. Why would it be easier than with my own flesh and blood? As I meditated on it last night, it occurred to me why. I have never hurt these people. I’ve never disappointed them. I’ve never let them down. They know me only for who I am in this moment...who I am in this new life that I have created for myself since Mr. Virgo died.
I also received a flash of insight when I thought of the difficult relationship I had with my own father. As an adult, I kept trying to draw him into conversations that would offer me some healing from the emotional abuse he inflicted on us. He would always say, “Can’t we just enjoy now and not dredge up the past?” I needed some kind of closure...he needed to enjoy the life he’d built for himself after divorce. His new life was easier than cleaning up the messes he left behind. I am proud of myself that I did the work to clean up my own.
I imagine I am not alone in this. I also imagine it could be just the opposite with some people and they feel the awkwardness with the bonus family and not their blood family, whether it’s real or imagined. I guess my point is this...all families create their own inner dynamics and are as individual as fingerprints. One cannot compare one family to another. One can only do the best they can. And hopefully do even better when they learn and grow.
I miss my Colorado kids something awful. I am so blessed to be able to go and spend a good long time with them on my late summer trips. Still, I won’t look a gift horse in the mouth with these bonus kids. One can never have too many people to love, right? Maybe one of these days I’ll get the whole family together in one place and they can all meet each other! That would be so much fun!
❤️
“This is my command: Love each other.”
John 15:17 NIV