The Politics of Death in a Digital Age

I didn’t know Bub personally. I’d never spoken to him. I didn’t know his last name or where he lived or if he had a family. All I knew of this scruffy-bearded man in the Hoss Cartwright Stetson was the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled and tipped his brim when you drove by. The way he held the measuring rod in his hand, leaning on it like the staff of Moses, as he stood by the open manhole cover. Bub’s work brought him into the eyes of countless drivers over the years as we passed by the crew he worked with.

I was scrolling through Facebook yesterday and there was his picture in a post with the caption, “So Long, Santa Bub.” He’d been such a fixture of my forty years in the Glenwood Springs area, I guess I expected him to just always be there. Like the Hot Springs Pool and Doc Holiday’s Grave. Enduring and iconic. And now, he was gone like so many others we have lost in the last couple of years.

I think death is striking so much closer to home since the pandemic started two years ago. Even if it doesn’t hit our inner circle, it’s omnipresence has been overwhelming. We’ve kind of gotten numb to the weekly announcements, either on the national or local news or on our social media newsfeeds. Along with becoming numb, some have become somewhat complacent in the social mores surrounding acceptable ways of announcing someone’s death.

When we lost one of my dearest friends and fellow classmates last month, a well meaning person posted on our class page the “RIP, dear friend” post we have all become accustomed to seeing of late. I took issue with this because, I knew for a fact it hadn’t been more than a handful of hours since our friend was discovered unresponsive in her home and her only grandchild had not been informed. Since I am one of the administrators of our class page, I removed the post at once and made a post of my own. “Out of deference to the family, we aren’t talking about this till we are sure everyone is informed and the family has announced the loss themselves.”

When I lost Mr. Virgo, I can’t remember how long it took me to gather enough strength to write a post on FB telling our friends and more distant family that he was gone. I know it was at least one day…and it might have been two. I was in shock. I will tell you this, though…if I opened Facebook to make that horribly painful announcement and saw where one of his friends from high school had beat me to the punch, I would have been devastated. It isn’t anyone’s place but the family’s or their personal representative to make such a sensitive initial announcement.

I had every intention of going on the class page after a reasonable amount of time had passed after our friend died in December to write some guidelines on how and when to share with the group that we had lost another classmate. You know how time gets away from you after the holidays and especially after losing someone so close to you. I didn’t get around to writing it. Then we lost another classmate. And, just as had happened before, someone posted an announcement before the family could do so.

I removed the post and sent a private message to the person posting, explaining why. It’s stirred up some conversation, and as you may imagine, some controversy. I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t want to think that some folks just want to show everyone they are “in the know” by being the first to share news. I prefer to think they just aren’t aware of protocols or have become desensitized by the constant barrage of death we’ve been subjected to during the pandemic. 

We are “of a certain age”, my classmates and I. And, dare I say, many of you are as well. We must never be in a rush to share the news on social media of someone’s passing. Instead, we must always be respectful of the family’s privacy and be sensitive to their needs. No one…NO ONE wants to find out for the first time on social media that someone they love has died. There was a time when we didn’t really have to tell people this. Those who needed to know were called personally. Then, the circle went ever wider as the news spread to others further out from the inner circle. Only then did we read an obituary in the local newspaper. Now, we have this tool that can instantly spread news like wildfire and we have to remember….think twice. Do a little searching to see if the family has said anything on their social media pages. Check the online newspapers, the local news station, and the local mortuaries to see if there has been a formal announcement. If, after 36-48 hours have passed, you might share the news in private groups like our class page. But, please…don’t be that person who rushes to “be the first” to share such a sensitive and personal event as the death of your high school chum.

❄️?❄️

““Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you. This is the essence of all that is taught in the law and the prophets.”

Matthew 7:12 NLT