When Grief Comes Calling

After nearly ten years, the grief I feel over losing Mr. Virgo is vastly different than it was even five or six years ago. Almost always, when memories come…it gives me a warm, loving feeling. I am seldom struck with heavy sadness and it isn’t the kind that breaks my heart open anymore. It is such a relief that my road isn’t as rocky and painful as it once was. 

That doesn’t mean that I never feel grief. It still sneaks up on me and it always will. Moving forward in life didn’t mean I stopped loving him. On the contrary. When my heart broke open, it made room in there for more and more love. And that eventually allowed me to let Mr. FixIt in. Our capacity to love should be as limitless as the stars if we truly love as Jesus loves. 

We were watching a show yesterday that tugged at my heartstrings. A long time character that we enjoyed passed away. On this show, he had been a Marine and they gave him full Military Honors at the gravesite. I’ve seen this a few times since Mr. Virgo died and every single time, it cuts through my heart. Every shot from the rifles. Every note of Taps played on the lone bugle. Every fold of the American flag that was draped over the casket then handed so reverently to the family. I can still remember that handsome, young soldier handing me Mr. Virgo’s flag and thanking me on behalf of the President and a grateful nation. It picked at that raw place in my heart that will always and forever be there, even though it normally hides…wrapped in velvety feathers in a beautiful, quiet place deep within me.

When the show ended, I gazed out the window. The sun was shining through the chill of a false spring day. I needed to get outside and feel the sun and wind and do something…anything. This life I’ve been blessed with…this decade Mr. Virgo didn’t get to have…makes me keenly away how quickly and easily it can be gone. In an instant. When I am stung by the barbs of grief, I want to make the most of every moment and DO something.

I asked Mr. FixIt if he’d like to go for a drive to Athens to look for that caulking he’s wanting…and maybe get a little supper while we’re out. He never turns down an adventure, so we headed out for the afternoon, had supper at Miller’s Chicken, and stopped to visit with the Former Mrs. FixIt for an hour or so on our way home. It was nearly 10:00 by the time we got home and it was really a most beautiful day.

As I got out of the truck and began gathering my stuff, I looked up at the stars and was again reminded where I find my help, my strength, my peace. I smiled as I thanked God for blessing us with another day together, then turned and happily padded after Mr. FixIt to the house.

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“My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

Psalms 121:2 NIV