Thoughts on Grief and Loss

I ran across this picture yesterday. It was taken in Rocky Mountain National Park one sunny fall afternoon. Mr. Virgo had his cameras and long lens and was shooting photos of the surrounding mountains. The meadows were full of elk, coyotes, rabbits and who knows what. The sky was perfect and there was a gentle breeze blowing. It rustled the dried grasses in waves of gold. 

I brought my pastels with me to capture one of my favorite scenes in the park. The backdrop of purple mountains and the foreground of fall colors was separated by a band of red stick dogwood. The sun was just warm enough to ward off the autumn chill blowing over the early snow on the surrounding peaks. I was lucky enough to spend a few hours there…doing my best to capture the raw beauty around me.

I never finished that piece. I found it tucked away when I was preparating to sell the Colorado house and downsizing my life into what would fit in a few boxes. Unfortunately, it was smudged and something had stained it in the years since. It was beyond repair and I threw it out. Someday I’m going to go back there and try it again….maybe this summer when Mr. FixIt and I go for our annual visit to see my Colorado peeps.

I didn’t work a lot yesterday. I slept like a stone till 11:00. I guess I’ve needed the extra rest the last couple of weeks. I saw on FB that a friend lost her most special person a week or so ago. She couldn’t understand where everyone went off to. She had so many people calling her and messaging her in the days following her loss, then they mysteriously disappeared. She was blaming herself and apologizing for “not handling this better.”

I felt so bad for her because I have a pretty good idea what she’s going through. While everyone’s grief is different, there runs a deep thread of understanding anyone’s loss after going through your own. I reached out and reminded her that most people really don’t know what to say when someone has experienced a profound loss. They think if they contact you, they are somehow going to cause you more pain because they're “reminding you of your loss”…as if you might have suddenly forgotten your heart is shattered in a million pieces on the floor.

I reminded her the reaction of others is no reflection of who she is but who they are…in their own pain or inexperience. I pleaded with her to understand how much she is loved and she is not alone and people haven’t deserted her. People have lives and things to attend to like jobs and families and matters of their own. Their lives haven’t come to a standstill like hers has. Most of them don’t get it…yet.

I look forward to a time when the bereaved won’t have to feel like they’re doing something wrong when they mourn their loss. I don’t want anyone who grieves to have to do so silently thinking no one care or remembers your person. Or worse, to feel like you’re a bother. No one who grieves is a bother. It’s ok to feel your feelings and express your outrage…your pain…your frustration. In time, the need to purge lessens. A sense of control comes back. You’re never who you were before but you’ll find a way to hold your grief while opening your arms to others who have experienced loss themselves. And the more we open our arms, the more healing comes in.

It’s never gone…this empty space stays with us forever. We just learn how to walk around the holes in our hearts and not fall in all the time.

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“And when the chief Shepherd appears, you will receive the unfading crown of glory.”

1 Peter 5:4 ESV