This photo makes me ill when I think of the grief version. I’ve been riding this thing for over a week. I’m trying to get a handle on why this time is harder and I think I pretty much have it figured out. First is this wicked heat and altitude. Second is trying to stay hydrated. Those things bring down my defenses. Then….I’m in Colorado. Mr. Virgo is around every corner here.

I haven’t struggled for this long since the second year. I’m trying to remember all the things I tell you…all the suggestions. I try to remind myself that, yes I write about grief all the time….but I’m grieving, too. Two different things. The worst part for me this time has been the unpredictability of it. I make plans thinking I’m going to be fine, and maybe I am. But, maybe I’m not when the time comes to do something. I could force myself or I can take care of myself. If I choose self care then I disappoint my young grandchildren.

I hate this part. It’s so unfair. I hate disappointing my family. I hate the anxiety. I hate the churning stomach. But…if I focus on that, I actually create more of it. I’m used to recovering at my own pace. Now I have other people’s schedules and activities to take into consideration. So, I’m going to change tactics. Instead of committing ahead of time to planned activities, I’m going to say “I would love to do that if I am feeling up to it at the time. I’m sure you will understand if I am unable to attend. I’m still dealing with loss and sometimes things are really easy, but sometimes they aren’t and I don’t want to cause disappointment.”

I understand it is frustrating for my kids and grandkids. But I would be remiss if I didn’t demonstrate good self care. All I can do is my best. Surely I’ll acclimate to this before too long.

As far as Fitness Friday goes, I have been unable to exercise for a week and that has added to my frustration. However, the scale shows I’ve lost 31.4 pounds since 2/28/16. I’ll be back on track soon.

❤️

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10 NIV