Day 336: Vulnerability

One of the hallmarks of this blog has always been my willingness to be open and vulnerable with you all. That started during the deep, dark days of my active grieving when Mr. Virgo died. I pledged I would always be open and honest with you…sometimes to the consternation of my friends and family. I know they were thinking more along the lines of my personal safety, but I needed what I gave you when I gave it. It was as much, if not more, for me than it was for you.

I haven’t found much I haven’t been willing to talk about here. Why? Because, I’ve learned from all of you, I’m not the only one going through the things I go through, and it helps to know that.It makes you feel a little less alone, a little less crazy, a little less lonely to know others share the human condition right along side you. And to that end, we are going to talk about my memory.

I know you have noticed over the last few weeks, there have been numerous times the link doesn’t work from my Facebook page to my website. You all are so kind to send me notes or leave me comments to let me know. Here’s what’s been happening behind that. I’ve told you I have hyperparathyroidism. That’s caused by a tumor on the parathyroid gland. It doesn’t have anything to do with the thyroid itself…it only lies beside it, hence the “para” prefix.

One of the most annoying symptoms of pHPT (primary hyperparathyroidism) is brain fog. Add that to the grief brain, the closed head injury, and normal aging and I’m feeling really concerned about it. I would make lists, but I don’t remember to make them. I tell the same story over and over because I tell stories all the time and I can’t remember who I’ve told what to. Mr. FixIt swears I’ve told him something, or he’s told me something…and I swear just as hard that it isn’t true.

I writing my posts in Pages…a word processing app on my iPad. Then I cut and paste it over to my website. There are several steps that I have to take to schedule my post to publish the next morning. One of the steps is selecting the date and time. There are two little boxes beside the time…one for AM, one for PM. They are soft gray, and I’ve been missing them. (It automatically selects the time you are in, so I write at night…it is set on PM.) If I forget to select AM, it won’t schedule till the following afternoon. When I schedule it on FB, it’s black and white and I see it more clearly.

I know it’s a little thing, and in the grand scheme of things, it’s not a big deal. But, if I’m having this much trouble at 67, what’s going to happen at 77…and 87? My only consolation at this point is, the people in the support group I follow on Facebook for hyperparathyroidism tell me their brain function and memory got SO much better after the surgery. I am praying that is the case with me. Because it really sucks when I can’t remember stuff. And, being a perfectionist, it really sucks when I screw up. I’ve never “screwed up well”. I’m a bad screwer-upper. Anyway, if you notice, that’s what is going on. Let’s just pray all these nasty symptoms I’ve been having over the course of this disease get better when we get the offending gland removed.

In the meantime, Mr. FixIt ran to Sam’s yesterday to get some supplies before the next storm comes through, and he brought me a present for Valentine’s Day…four Mammoth Elephant Ear bulbs! I was so excited!!! I’ve been wanting these for the last three summers. We have several of a smaller variety that we plant along the fence in the summer. Last year, Mr. FixIt planted them way too early so they never really got very big. You have to dig the bulbs up before they freeze and store them in a big bucket in the basement, then plant them in the spring. And the best part? The deer and the rabbits leave them alone!

Since I got new Elephant Ear bulbs, I made Mr. FixIt eggplant parmesan for supper for his Valentine. And, we drove out to the farm for a little while which always does my heart good. I hope you all are staying safe out there. I’m praying for all of you in the paths of the storms!