If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Right? That’s what Nanna Rosannadana always said! Yesterday I told you I wasn’t feeling well so we did a rerun of one of my favorite memories. My whole day Sunday was just discombobulated. I woke up late and forgot to take my calcium till late. I didn’t feel great. Then, as I took my shower to prepare to go see the kids, I started seeing little jiggly circular “hoops” of light when I turned my eyes from side to side. It made me kinda seasick. It didn’t hurt, and it wasn’t exactly like an ocular migraine. I was puzzled, but I trusted my instincts and opted to stay home while Mr. FixIt went without me. 

I had a pretty low key day, but these flashes kept showing up. I was getting a little nervous about it and told Mr. FixIt if I still had them Monday morning, I would need to see my eye doctor. This is where my anxiety disorder kicked in just before bedtime and I had to take my “rescue medicine” and go to sleep.

It’s difficult for most people to talk about mental health issues and it shouldn’t be. I have a history of anxiety….me and about 40 million other adults in the US every year. I got it honest….both my mom and my dad had it. And, both of my girls do, too. About half of those diagnosed with anxiety also have depression. It was really hard for me to accept this. I saw it as a flaw in my personality…that there was something “wrong” with me. I was somehow “less than”. While I wouldn’t necessarily call it my super power, it does tell you a lot about the kind of deeply caring and creative person I am. 

It’s not always easy to live with. There was a time when it nearly overwhelmed me. But nowadays, I’ve discovered it’s as much a part of who I am as the color of my eyes and the fact I have high cholesterol. I try not to let it get in my way, yet sometimes it does. I had a video chat with Daughter #2 Sunday night and we both cried because we miss each other. That was the top card that triggered an anxiety response. Mix it with PTSD and…well, it’s something I’ve worked on in therapy…and it’s something I live with. If I’ve had it this long, it’s not likely to go away…although, I did kind of hope the surgery would fix that, too. Anxiety is one of the symptoms of primary hyperparathyroidism. 

I always turn to scripture and tell myself I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And not to be afraid. I thought it was all the things that scared me that I wasn’t supposed to fear. Now, I’ve come to understand…it’s the anxiety I’m not supposed to be afraid of because it can’t kill me. It’s just an uncomfortable biochemical response to stressors. 

When I woke up yesterday, the flashing hoop was still there and I called for an appointment with the eye doctor. I still wasn’t quite sure what was going on, until I went outside with my cup of coffee and sat on the deck. I looked down at my hand and saw swirly grey curls of what looked like smoke and I knew in an instant I was having another vitreous detachment. I had one in the right eye in April 2017…just two months after I got smacked in the face with an airbag when I wrecked my truck. The eye doctor told me then that one of these days, the other one would go. 

It’s not an uncommon thing to happen after the age of 40. I will spare you the anatomical drawing of an eyeball…here’s a description. When an egg is very fresh, the egg white is thick and the membrane that surrounds it sticks tightly to the shell. But over time, the egg white thins out and loses volume. That membrane begins to pull away from the shell. The same thing happens in the eye. The vitreous thins and the membrane begins to pull away from the retina. It’s not a big deal, but it does leave you with floaters in your vision and that is annoying until your brain compensates. Then you seldom even notice them.

There aren’t pain nerves associated with this, so when the vitreous begins to pull away, it tugs at cells on the retina and sends signals to the brain that show up as light flashes. It jiggles because of the consistence of the vitreous humor…the gel. Even though it’s not a dangerous thing, it does increase your risk of tearing or detaching the retina…and that IS an emergency and needs to be dealt with right away. Remember, when I had my last one, it was just a couple of months after my subdural hematoma and concussion from the truck wreck. I really couldn’t remember what I should avoid. I had to laugh when she told me not to go on a roller coaster for a while. Darn…that was right where I was headed! lol 

So, if God can’t get me to slow down and heal from surgery…maybe the threat of blindness will get my attention…you think? No heavy lifting, no falling and hitting my head, no jumping up and down. It’s a really good thing it’s not mowing season! 

I’d roll my eyes…but I probably shouldn’t do that either. ?

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“Don’t be afraid. I am with you. Don’t tremble with fear. I am your God. I will make you strong, as I protect you with my arm and give you victories.”

Isaiah 41:10 CEV