Love is grand, isn’t it? We meet someone and something stirs within us. Our curiosity is piqued. We dance around each other…no different than the mating rituals of exotic birds. Feathers fluffed strutting our stuff. We go through a pretty standard procedure of “Here’s who I am…now who are you?” Somewhere in the process, we either let go and move on or we hang on for the ride of our lives.
It’s all so perfect when it’s new and you think that no two people could be more perfectly matched. Love is designed that way. If you approached it like a job interview or an investment strategy, it wouldn’t be nearly as much fun now, would it? We love to be in love. The thrill of the chase and the triumphant march of the conqueror is as addictive as any street drug.
Then…real life hits the fan. He snores. She can’t cook a lick. They may decide to make babies. Or maybe the decision was made for them. Or maybe they don’t. The point being…you’d better have a good, strong foundation if you expect this grand romance to last when the shine is off the bumper.
A lot of young people don’t make it very far in marriage. My first was fairly short. Long enough to give me my beautiful firstborn. The second lasted a whole lot longer…two decades actually. I thought it was the one for the long haul but it turned out not to be. My prize from that marriage was quirky, perky baby girl. Then Mr. Virgo came along. We were “perfect” together. We never fought. We never even raised our voices to one another. We never got to the point where it was necessary because he just up and died on me.
Looking back now, I can clearly see the mistakes I’ve made along the way. So, when Mr. FixIt and I crossed paths after knowing each other since 1968, we’d both had a lot of the rough edges worn off. We became a soft landing place for each other. And we found something special. A playmate. A lover. A confidant. A best friend. A partner in everything from inside jokes to planning major purchases and running this business of life.
Putting the label of “perfect” on a marriage is a dangerous thing…especially in the age of social media comparisons. What IS perfect, anyway? Is it The Waltons? Leave it to Beaver? When Harry Met Sally or Sleepless in Seattle? Marriage isn’t Hollywood. You have to take the bitter with the sweet, just like anything else in life.
Something remarkable happened to me a couple of months ago. I was having trouble sleeping and it was affecting every area of my life…from my memory to my bodily functions to my mood. The longer it went on, the worse it got and I was frustrated. Angry. Scared. When you’re going through rough patches, the first person you take it out on is the closest person at hand. And that person was my infinitely patient, ever so kind and gentle husband.
I could see the hurt behind his eyes when I lashed out and it broke my heart. I hated myself for it. I’ve been in a place before when things got dark. Depression is the next stop on the angry train and I wasn’t about to go there again. I especially didn’t want to take my sweetheart on that ride.
One evening I was searching through my old photos and came across the sweetest picture of Mr. FixIt. He was gazing into the camera with such deep love it twisted my heart and made me yearn for those early months of our relationship. So I talked to my doctor about what was bothering me and it turned out I was terribly sleep deprived.
We’ve made adjustments and I started taking a medicine I used a long time ago that helps me sleep and is not habit forming. Trazodone is also a mild antidepressant. Now I’m getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night, my mood is much better, my memory has improved, my anxiety is reduced, and Mr. FixIt is the beneficiary of all of the above. Two months ago, I couldn’t have dreamed of attempting this big project I’m working on. I didn’t have the bandwidth or the energy. And now? Now I’m cruising along, firing on all cylinders again. And Mr. FixIt and me? Well, were back on track and have much more fun.
Too many people call it quits when they hit a bump in the road because they think a marriage has to be perfect. It doesn’t. It has to be REAL. And it really helps when you can put some fun in the mix. We may not be perfect…but we’re perfect for each other and that’s what matters most.
Here’s my advice…when you have one nerve left and your spouse is standing on it, find a picture where there’s love in their eyes and go where that leads you. You can’t change them…but you can change how you react to them. Then ask yourself this one question… Which is more important? Being right…or being happy? You aren’t going to change each other. Just as the way to God is not easy, neither is the path toward marital fulfillment. It does take effort and due diligence. But the rewards are unimaginable.
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““Don’t look for shortcuts to God. The market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time. Don’t fall for that stuff, even though crowds of people do. The way to life—to God!—is vigorous and requires total attention.”
Matthew 7:13-14 MSG
#Marriage, #Happiness, #Effort