Dealing With Disappointment

The other day, Mr. FixIt and I were watching the episode of NCIS where the big boss’s wife was caught in some crossfire and was killed. As he began to deal with his grief, he came across a box of papers that he needed to sort through. There was an envelope with a bank statement and the key to a safe deposit box. When he investigated further, he found his late wife had consulted with a lawyer about division of assets and she had a sizable amount of money stashed away under her name only. Leon was understandably upset but by the end of the episode, they figured out what had happened. He had nearly died himself and she was scared for what would happen to her and the kids, or even if she wanted to face that.

Of course, NCIS is Hollywood…not real life. What happens when you find out maybe the stories you were told weren’t exactly the way things happened? What happens when you find debt you didn’t know was there? Or there were other secrets…damning things that could threaten your faith in what you had? Making you question if what you had was real. I’ve heard stories from readers who have opened up about such things. And I’ve gone through it myself.

One time, early after Mr. Virgo died, I relayed one of the stories he had told me about his grandfather. Later that day, I got a note from one of his cousins saying that story was absolutely NOT true and I should stop telling “family stories” that were not mine. It gave me pause. There were other things I discovered that didn’t quite ring true. I found another one yesterday while searching for something unrelated.

I busied myself with other things as I contemplated what it all meant…I mean, really meant to me. Mr. Virgo and I met in our mid-fifties. There had been a LOT of water under our bridges by that time. It wasn’t like being in our twenties with a fresh first marriage and a lifetime of groundwork. We had baggage. Baggage we took a quick inventory of and decided there were no huge deal breakers and we loved and trusted each other enough so we progressed forward.

Finding facts after a death can make you question the veracity of your relationship. You have to go through his or her belongings after your spouse dies. And you can find out things you wish you hadn’t. Here’s how I dealt with that. Mr. Virgo treated me like a queen. He thought the sun rose and set at my feet and there was no denying that…no matter how elaborate his stories were. I look back now and I know some of them were hyperbolical. But what does it matter? The sun rose and set at his feet, too.

The lesson I took from that is…employ careful discernment. My relationship with Mr. FixIt is different. For one thing, we’ve known each other since we were kids. And, I set strict ground rules…we do not lie…stretch the truth…exaggerate…polish…or hide stuff. When I smell it, I call it out…and so does he. Do I honestly think none of that will happen? Heck no! But I question stuff and don’t take everything at face value anymore. I ask myself how important it is. If it’s not, then we’re fine. If it’s important…we hash it out.

I was still reeling from a difficult divorce when I met Mr. Virgo. Even though it had been five years, my confidence and self esteem had taken a big hit. Add to that how movie-star handsome he was, and I fell hook, line, and sinker for everything. I didn’t want to rock the proverbial boat and risk “being left” again. You learn a lot about what you really want and what is really important to you when you go through hard times. I mean…we are human. We are fallible. We will make mistakes because we are not perfect. Only God will never fail us. If we know this and understand this, it takes a lot of pressure off of our expectations of each other.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little disappointed with what I learned yesterday, but it doesn’t change the fact that we loved each other and our marriage was a beautiful time in my life. I forgive him…as I hope he forgave me my own iniquities. These things have strengthened my resolve that Mr. FixIt and I have a marriage grounded first in God, then in truth, honesty, and love. It can’t get much better than that.