I scour comments on FB as a study of human character. It deepens my understanding of people…especially in my work as a grief mentor and writer. Most often, people do their level best to say the right things when attempting to comfort someone. But try as they might, there are always going to be clinkers thrown out that may cause deep pain…however unintentional.

One of the most common questions I hear asked of the newly bereaved is… “How did they die?” One would think it is perfectly reasonable for someone who has close acquaintance to the recently departed to inquire such a thing of the family. In the shock of such bad news, we may want to know how a person died because it triggers fear in us. Think Covid. We could be thinking, “Did they have a disease? Could it be something going around and could I be next?” It’s human nature because we feel threatened by not knowing. It makes us anxious. We want to protect ourselves from what happened to them, whether we consciously realize it or not.

With the advent of social media, the lines of etiquette have been blurred. Hiding behind a screen, some people are emboldened to ask things they may or may not in a face to face conversation. This is especially true when the death is unexpected and the descendant is young. No one on my blog or my personal page has asked such a thing, but I’ve seen it on other pages.

The rule of thumb is, if the family has not offered a reason, then we must assume it is not our place to know. I found myself comforting everyone else when Mr. Virgo died…in the ER, at the funeral home, in the street. Everyone deals with grief in their own way. Some want everyone to know. Some can’t bear to say the words out loud. Follow their lead and don’t ask unless you are immediate family.

That being said, what DO you say?

First, ask God to bring you the words.

Admit there ARE no words that can make any of this better and you are so terribly sorry.

Let them know your heart breaks for them.

Tell them your heart is with them.

Tell them you are praying for them and their loved ones.

Tell them something about their loved one and what they meant to you. 

Tell them a story about something memorable or funny or amazing about their loved one.

Sit quietly beside them. A hand laid softly on their back or shoulder can convey so much without words.

Listen to their stories.

Hand them a note with your phone number with directions to call anytime, day or night. Do not do this if you are not willing to hear someone snot-crying on the phone at 4:00am like my dear friend Deb McCoy did.

It’s hard to know what to say or do. Try to “read the room” and go by the cues from those grieving the loss. Honestly, if I hear one more journalist ask grieving people what it felt like when they find out their loved one was gone, I’m going to pop a gasket. I’m usually screaming at the TV. “What the **** do you THINK it felt like, you moron!!!” It makes me crazy! 

But, I digress.

Just be a good human and love on people…gently, quietly, with peace and grace.

That’s all anyone can ask.

💔

”Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.“

Matthew 5:4 NIV

Mr. Virgo 
09/10/1950 ~ 03/12/2013
Your Memory is a Blessing.