“I picked these red flags just for you!”
It’s the oldest trick in the book…reel ‘em in till you catch ‘em. They often promise one thing then pull the rug out from under you. Once they know they’ve got you, the plan is put in motion. Take away little things. Make you doubt yourself. Isolate you. And when they have you where they want you, the real abuse begins.
There was a young woman on a different social media platform yesterday who asked for opinions regarding an issue she was having with her boyfriend. It appears they broke up at one point then got back together. Then they pretty quickly moved in together. She had her own little car…her first big girl purchase that she was very proud of. Somehow, her boyfriend got her to put his name on the title and now he wants to sell it. She uses that car to get to and from work. They live miles out of town…no convenient way to get to a grocery store. If he sold the car, she would have to rely on him to take her anywhere she wanted to go. She wanted to know what she should do.
Ooooooooh….the hair stood up on the back of my neck.
She KNOWS what she has to do…but she’s already in so far, it won’t be easy. She KNOWS this situation could turn violent, yet she’s afraid to go it alone. She KNOWS women often die in these situations, but he always comes back with something sweet and tells her how sorry he is. He tells her, “If you didn’t do ___________ all the time, I wouldn’t have to be like this.”
Gaslighting.
The problem is…this person is bringing you bouquets of red flags wrapped in ribbons and you see roses. It happens more often to young women who maybe haven’t had enough knocks from life yet to see through the lies. Maybe their daddy was the same way with their mommy and they think this is how men are supposed to treat women.
When I see this, I want to grab the girl and run, trying to put some sense in her head. It seems like such a cynical thing to have to teach your daughters when they’re growing up. Some do, but sometimes the mother went through the same thing and she thinks the best way to survive is just to make yourself less so he is made more. It is not easy to get women away from an abuser.
Unfortunately, it’s not always a boyfriend. It can be someone you trusted like your friend’s dad, the pastor, the bigger boy down the street, the frat boys on campus, your boss, a star, or even an elected official. It’s especially dangerous when you’ve been groomed by the offender…sometimes for years. They promise you safety then they rip you apart with a chainsaw.
But here’s the hope….you don’t have to live this way. You can escape abuse. Find trusted allies. Make a careful plan then execute it quickly. There is absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you’ve made a huge mistake by hooking up with the wrong guy. There are people who want to help get you to safety. You just have to be brave and find them. Life can be beautiful on the other side of abuse. It won’t be easy, but finding peace again will be worth it.
A lot of women out there could sure use a helping hand by someone who’s been there. Please feel free to share this with others who might find themselves in hard situations and they’re just now seeing the red flags. You can’t imagine how much a simple “Are you ok?” can do for someone feeling afraid or hopeless. Check in on people you suspect may be having a hard time.
Graduation is coming up soon and a lot of young women are preparing to go out into the big world…on their own. Let’s keep them safe.
💚
“But if you do what is wrong, you will be paid back for the wrong you have done. For God has no favorites.” Colossians 3:25 NLT
***Gratitude Journal***
Today I am grateful for the wisdom I’ve gained in my senior years. I see red flags a lot clearer now than I did in early adulthood.
Edit: A friend pointed out to me…men are also victims of gaslighting and abuse. I didn’t mean to overlook them. Thank you, Lin.