There were SO many days in the year following Mr. Virgo’s death that took absolutely every ounce of strength I could muster to get out of bed. And, I have to admit, there were a handful when I failed. I couldn’t face taking a shower or anything, even though I knew full well I would feel better if I did. Something in me didn’t WANT to feel better on those days. Not in a defeatist sort of way, but I needed to feel my worst so I could get it out of me. I knew enough not to let it go on too long. Only once did I allow two days in a row to be totally eaten up by wailing into my pillows with a box of tissues and an iPod full of sappy country music. For the most part, I was determined to live the days for Mr. Virgo who was denied so many. To live them for my family. And, eventually, to live them for myself.
I wrote this down….”Get up and LIVE!” There were days, weeks…heck, MONTHS it wasn’t easy. But I swore I wouldn’t waste what God so graciously gives me every morning. Every day that I’m on the right side of the grass is a GOOD day! And some days, I still may take a “rest easy” day. Just because the first year anniversary has passed, doesn’t mean a magical switch was thrown and I’m over it all.
But, how do you make it happen when all you want to do is pull the covers over your head and listen to Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville sing “Goodbye, My Friend” for the umpteenth time? How many times do you have to ignore the phone ringing because it means coming back to the land of the living and you don’t remember how to breathe? The answer is, of course, however many times it takes, but there are things you can do that can help. Things I didn’t know heading into this, but I think they may help others who are walking this path.
1) Write down a list of everyone who tells you “Call me, anytime…day or night.” Write their numbers down beside their name. Then, when you DO need to talk, don’t call the same person every time. Give others the opportunity to feel useful. And, by calling different people each time, you aren’t “wearing out your welcome.” so to speak.
2) Ask for help when you need it. I found it especially helpful to ask friends to have a meal with me once in a while or sometimes I’d go days and just eat cereal, if anything.
3) On a good day, write down activities you have always wanted to try, movies you would like to see, friends you would like to visit, places you would like to travel. Keep a copy in your purse and on the fridge. That way, the ideas are there when you’re lost and can’t find your way.
4) Put something joyful in front of you that you can look forward to. For me, it was buying my little travel trailer. For you, it could be planning a trip or fixing up a room in your house as a special sanctuary. If you have nothing joyful to look forward to, time will stretch before you interminably.
5) Find a couple of your favorite pictures of your loved one and have them blown up and printed as 8×10’s. You can use a great app like Kicksend, choose your photo and size, and send them to someplace like Target to be printed. You can often pick up cute frames there on sale when the photos are done. I avoided doing this for 10 months because I thought it would hurt too much. But, I can’t tell you the comfort it gave me to have these big pictures all around my bedroom. I wish I would have done it months before.
These are just a few ways you can help yourself LIVE every day. If you have trouble thinking of more, just ask me or a trusted friend or family member to help you with your list. You WILL live again. You WILL laugh again. It won’t be the same, but if it were…if we did not grieve and mourn…we would not be human.
<3 Ginny