I can tell you what’s going on outside without even looking. If my head throbs and my throat is scratchy and I’m sneezing my head off, it’s sunny and warm with a breeze. Every January, I try to remember to start using my nasal steroids to ward off my seasonal allergies and it never fails…March comes and I smack my forehead. If I start early enough, it’s always so much better, but I seldom remember.

So, Sunday afternoon when I got home from the farm and jumped on the riding mower, I’d only had a few weeks worth of Flonase treatment on board. Even with that and an N95 mask, by nightfall my head was pounding, my eyes were itchy, my throat was scratchy, and I was coughing.

I laid in bed for most of the night wondering if I had coronavirus. I took my temperature every hour on the hour. I thought back to everywhere I’ve been in the past 6-8 weeks. I counted the number of times I washed my hands. Did I touch my face? Did I forget to use a paper towel to open that door? Is that stomach ache from the spaghetti sauce or am I coming down with something?

This is the kind of thinking that will drive you crazy. It does absolutely no good to worry myself, and Mr. FixIt, to death about it. I’ll continue to monitor my symptoms but I know it most certainly is the same allergy symptoms I’ve experienced every spring for years.

I was thinking about something the other day. There is a very real comparison to what I’m feeling now and what I felt in the aftermath of Mr. Virgo’s death. Not nearly to the same degree…but eerily similar. I was all set to accomplish great things with this newfound “stay-at-home” order. I thought this would be a period of intense productivity. We’d get this bathroom finished then start the next one. We would strip the wallpaper in the dining room and start going through the closets and the basement. Then we would tackle the building out back. Oh, yes…I had big plans.

Instead, I’ve done very little. I’ve kept us fed. I’ve taken care of the things that need taken care of to survive day to day. I’ve written my blog and kept in touch with my people. I spend a great deal of time doing nothing more than resting with Mr. FixIt. We’ve been watching West Wing and it’s been fun introducing him to that. He never watched it when it was on the air.

I was feeling like I should be doing more. Then I remembered what my grief was like seven years ago. It was a lot like this. Not in intensity, to be sure. But the same malaise is there. The same uncertainty. The same unsettled undercurrent of sadness and longing. The thread of fear that I keep at bay with my trust in Jesus. This is the initial phase of a grief we all are feeling to one degree or another. We are letting it settle in.

It’s ok that we don’t get a lot done right now. As we adjust, we’ll get more energy and be able to accomplish more. I learned this from before. Until then, self care is a good thing. We aren’t going anywhere…not for a while, anyway. We’ll get through this. I learned that, too.

Today is traditionally April Fools Day. Instead of foolishness, lets make it a day filled with kindness.

❤️

“do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7 ESV