Yeah…that’s not something you’re liable to hear or feel these days, is it? There’s a lot to take in. Lots going on…outside and inside. Add “your husband’s had another stroke” to an already formidable situation and it’s enough to break you. I’ve vacillated the last 48 hours between numbness and fear to acceptance and peace. Back and forth. Back and forth. It’s like that game we played when we were kids. What was it called? Crack the Whip! The kid on the end usually got creamed. That was me.

Yesterday kept me busy…one of the granddaughters came over and helped me mow. It was wonderful to not have to do it all myself. Mr. FixIt was really good and didn’t over exert himself which was a great relief. He started using one of our hiking sticks to keep his balance when he walks over uneven ground and that helped a lot. I mean…a hiking stick is cool, right? We went to the Tractor Store and got parts for the old tractor. And, we watched the finale of The Voice.

Thunderstorm Artis…an up and coming musician in the Final Five, finished the night singing “What a Wonderful World”. I love that song. I needed to hear that tangible reminder of the beauty this world can still deliver on a daily basis. I have been practicing centering myself. One of my readers keeps reminding me of the number one. We can all do just ONE thing. ONE breath. ONE moment. ONE day. By the end of the evening, I was feeling much less overwhelmed by it all.

We have no control beyond this one moment in time. I can talk, make phone calls, write letters, and vote. But I have no control over who carries an AR-15 into a courthouse or who else wears a mask or when a stroke will happen. What I do have control over is how I respond. 

Mr. FixIt came into the room last night as I was writing and I had the window wide open. I also had the air conditioner going. I didn’t think about it. I just wanted the window open. In his best dad voice, he said, “Why do you have the window open with the air conditioner running?”

My reactionary response wasn’t pretty. It was just one more thing I didn’t have control over and it pushed me over the edge for a minute. Then I remembered…ONE.

I can close the window for ONE hour till the evening cools down. 

I can sit there for ONE minute and think about how different today could have easily been.

One of the worst things people can say to the newly bereaved is “at least…..”. “At least he’s in a better place.” “At least she isn’t suffering anymore.” “At least you can have more children.” But, here’s the thing…it’s one of the worst things you can tell yourself, too. Because it’s so dismissive.

“At least we don’t have it as bad as some people.” 

That minimizes your pain and hampers your processing. It’s self-shaming for having feelings.

I hate like HELL that my sweetheart, who I just found like…five minutes ago…had another stroke. I hate that he’s having to go through this

I hate that we can’t feel free to do what we want.

I KNOW we don’t have it as bad as some people. But we have THIS. And this ONE minute, I’m sitting with it. 

It’s ok to feel your feelings.

Today is a new day. Today we pick things up and we are strong together and we are confident in our love. We have faith in a God that uses all things to prosper us. I will rest and trust in that promise. 

And…I’ll wait to open the windows wide till AFTER he goes to sleep. However, I WILL make sure the air conditioner isn’t running.

This really is a wonderful world.

❤️

“What a wildly wonderful world, GOD! You made it all, with Wisdom at your side, made earth overflow with your wonderful creations…..”

Psalm 104:24 MSG

#Wonderful, #World, #Gratitude