I have friends who are really competent women. They’ve taken care of business all on their own for decades and seem to handle anything that gets thrown at them…with strength and grace. So why do I, as a widow of four years, stumble over something as inconsequential as buying a lawnmower? Holy cats! You’d think I was making a decision of epic proportions!
I went to Lowe’s…twice. I went to Home Depot and Walmart. I went to Rural King…twice. Finally I went back to Lowe’s and bought the first lawnmower. I mean, a lawnmower is a lawnmower, right? Wrong! Apparently, there’s a great deal of importance placed on things like self-propelled, front wheel drive vs. rear wheel, a larger rear wheel, Honda vs. Briggs & Stratton vs. OHV engines, mulch vs. side discharge vs. rear-bagger. There was a time in my life when I would have just bought the most expensive one with all the bells and whistles. Oh, who am I kidding? I would have just payed to have it done. But those aren’t my options now. Decision-making changes with circumstances. I chose the 21″ Toro with the Honda engine. It was on sale.
Sometimes I can make decisions like a boss. I took the new truck in because there was a “catch” in the tailgate and I have heard a funny vibration a few times. They tried to tell me it was the turbo I was hearing. No, I told them. I know the difference. This was not the turbo. I went on a test drive and said a quick prayer that the sound would show up while the repair dude was with me. It did. A couple parts have been ordered and it gets fixed on Friday. I didn’t back down when they pulled the “Silly woman, you’re hearing things” trick. But I can’t choose a lawnmower?
There are lots of changes and choices and decisions I have made since Mr. Virgo died. Some I have deeply regretted almost immediately. Some took a while before remorse set in. Others have turned out to be the most amazing blessings and have changed my life in delightful ways. Grief affects the way your brain works and I’ve come to forgive myself when I stumble in the decision making process. I’m not perfect, but I try to do my best. Most things are fixable so if I make a mistake, I’m never too far off course. I just have to remember to cut myself some slack and not be too hard on myself. ❤️
“Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”
Proverbs 11:14 ESV
Exactly what I said to myself after TSF passed away. “You will make some mistakes, and some will be DOOZIES, but you must forgive yourself and keep going.” I like the idea of some mistakes becoming blessings.
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I SO relate to your writings! I hope to meet you one day! THANK YOU!
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I always enjoy your writing. Today really hit home with me as like you said our brains are so different now. I have been a widow 4.5 years.. …..
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7 years since I have lost my husband. Still think of him everyday. I am finally coming to know myself again and have found ways to make my life better. I can relate to a lot of your writings and a lot of the time I am smiling and remembering when I have done the same things or thought the same thoughts. So nice to know I was not crazy and not alone in all my feelings. Thank you. I am looking forward to some SOTF trips this summer.
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Oh the decisions!! I’m on day 173 since my Jim died. This is the first time in my life any decision I make is one I make on my own ?
Immediately after Jims death, I went into overdrive…unloading stuff, emptying out our small rental so I could move in with my son just 3 weeks after…….so far, so good. Bought my first vehelcle on my own…now the biggie. I’m moving once again..down south to stay with my daughter and find my own place….. eeeeekkk!!!’
Every decision I’ve made up to this point has ‘felt right’. There’s been no questioning, niggling feelings in my belly telling me NO…..being on my own (with Jim as my Heavenly Guide) I’m learning to listen to my intuition…….my journey continues.
Oh, Linda…I can SO relate! It amazing what we can do on our own, isn’t it? Prayers for your big changes! ❤️
Good to know I’m not the only one who’s made decisions I later regretted. Live and learn, right? ?
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As soon as I started reading Don said, “I can tell her what she should get.” When I finished he said, “She did good.” This is a man who looks and looks and thinks and thinks when making such purchases…so you got that from an “authority”! Haha I admire your business mind…yes, you do have one. Have a delightful day!
Tell Don he’/ a saint!!! ❤️
It will soon be six years since I lost the love of my life. I still stop and ponder about the right decisions. I always say what would Gerald do…..
Thanks Ginny… I really enjoy your posts.
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Doesn’t it seem that every painful decision is like pulling our own teeth?! Having had a loving 40 and more years of companionship with my dear late husband, I look forward to your inspiring missives of heartfelt *evolution*….Thank you from the bottom of my heart….Striving to ever tilt forward without my Love by my side for four years now as well…
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