I hadn’t seen Anna since high school. She had never been to a reunion and frankly, she was nervous. What if no one remembered her? What if she didn’t remember anyone else? What if the dress she picked out is too dressy? What if it’s not dressy enough? Or too hot/cold/itchy….you get the idea. Anna was scared. I don’t blame her. I’ve been there…we all have. She changed her clothes three times the first night. Finally I said…”Please…sit. You’re beautiful. Relax.” She gave me a smile and seemed to settle back and get into the groove of the evening.
I didn’t really know Anna. Oh, we had a couple of classes together. But, she was athletic and popular. We didn’t run in the same circles. But we became Facebook friends a few years ago so I felt like I knew her. We sure had fun at the class reunion though. We laughed and had our pictures taken together like we’d been best buds since first grade. That’s the nature of reunions. At least it is in my class. We all just seem to love each other. We’re family.
Anna did what we all do at reunions. She told us about her kids and her grandkids. She had this HUGE mama-honkin’ ring on and I (being the grand poobah of sparkly things) asked her about it. She told me she got it for her 40th anniversary. I found out over the weekend that they almost made it to the 42nd. Anna lost her husband Sunday to a sudden heart attack. It breaks my heart for her. I know where she is. I know what’s happening to her. I know she’s going to remember all the times she talked about her husband and will remember any slight. She’s going to recall every conversation where she might not have been as patient as she could have. She’ll remember every argument and wish she could take it back. She will worry. “Did she tell him she loved him the last time they talked?”
Eventually, she will strain to remember the exact timbre of his voice. Did he call her Baby Doll or Doll Baby? She won’t be quite sure what he gave her for Christmas a couple years ago. She’ll panic. She’ll worry more. “Am I forgetting him?” The time between these two extremes is highly variable and depends on the individual.
I wish I could take it all away, this pain we feel when we lose the one who brings light into our hearts and stars into our eyes. But I cannot…it is the price of loving so hard. The deeper the love…the deeper the grief. So, instead…I will share these thoughts for Anna…and for all who have recently suffered a fresh loss.
May you find some peace in the coming days.
May you remember only the beauty of your true, long lasting love.
May you see your loved one in the faces of your beautiful family.
May you feel his presence on the wind and in the raindrops.
May God ease your heart enough to give you some rest.
May you find the strength to do all that you need to do in the coming days.
May you find the courage to face all the things that will come your way in the coming weeks and months.
May you be brave enough to reach out to those who hold a hand out to you in your time of loss.
And, when it is your time, may you reach back and mentor another woman through her loss. Because, in that, you will find purpose in your pain. ❤️
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
Psalms 147:3 ESV
Beautiful, and so true. 6 years have gone by and I did all those things, sometimes still do. And yes, helping others does indeed make it easier to bear. Well, sometimes.
Sometimes being grateful for having that love helps. And sometimes nothing but tears helps.
❤️
I love what you have said for 2 reasons. One, I just went to my 50th HS reunion, which would have also been my late husband’s. Everyone just seemed happy to be there. Two, I loved what you said at the end. No, you can’t take away the pain, but you can eventually remember with peace, happiness, and love. Thank you for this on another gorgeous morning.
❤️
I like the thought of purpose in our pain. I’ve been mentoring young friends lately and have come to realize my ability to be of help only because I’ve been through a similar experience.
What I’ve garnered is this point: I was able to help only when I was healed. I had to get through all the stages of shock, grief and anger before I even could speak without bitterness in my words…the loss felt devastating…
It took me many years to ” find” myself after being married at sixteen, then alone at 52. Whether it is a divorce or death of spouse it is still loss. Perhaps divorce is more difficult than death of spouse. I can’t compare due to lack of experience …
I now see the hand of God in our relationship ….I could not see it then .
I’m full of love, laughter and joy again…I’m ready and willing to mentor and give hope to other women now…experience can make you bitter or better…I’ve been ” on my own” for 17 years…..I’ve found though I’m never alone for He is with me..I wake up happy now full of anticipation for a new and wonderful day!!!! Your fb friend, Gini in Georgia
Gini…I can speak to the comparison of divorce and death. It is interesting that you mention it. Death is final. You know it is. The pain is deep and swift and all-consuming. You are sure you will die as well. It is done in that you know you will not see him again till you get to heaven. But, divorce? It depends on who initiated it. I was very young and initiated my first divorce and I know it was harder on him than it was on me. My second divorce was not my idea and I was devastated. The pain was deep and long and all consuming and I very nearly did die. I think the pain of that divorce, and the resulting therapy and personal growth, gave me the skills I needed to cope with the death of Mr. Virgo. As you say…loss is loss, just to varying degrees.
I am so happy you are full of love, laughter, and joy again. There is nothing like living in and for the moment! I am also very happy you are a Rancher. You contribute a great deal to the conversations and I appreciate that…and your wisdom!
Monday was my birthday and it was the first time time 3 1/2 years that I didn’t think how much better it would have been if my husband was there.
Now I feel guilty and have been half teary for 2 days.
I seem to be going backward in grief and depression. I am sleeping 12 hours a night and wake up exhausted, my house needs a good cleaning and I don’t have the motivation, I work from home and I am behind, will eventually have to pill an all-nighter to catch up.
Had a full check up and am physicall fine, except for a new diagnosis of polymyalgia rheumatica an autoimmune disease that further cramps my style.
I just feel miserable and alone
Interesting that you were diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder. So was I. When I was a diabetes educator back in the day, we often saw a new diagnosis of Type 2 Diabetes after a huge life event like the death of a spouse or child. I’m going to have to do some research as to the relationship. In the meantime, I remember the first time I forgot our wedding anniversary. I, too, felt guilty for a little bit. Then I believe it was one of my kind readers who pointed out that is a sign of healing, not of a lack of love. I tried so hard to remember every single detail of my life with Mr. Virgo out of fear that if I let go of one small thing, he would be gone from me. When I finally stopped trying to keep all the balls in the air at once, I found that I didn’t lose him. Oh, maybe some of the details got fuzzy, but don’t they always? Instead, what happened was space opened up in my life. I was able to breathe again. And remember what I could with smiles instead of tears. The tears still come on occasion. It’s nearly the fourth angelversary and in the grand scheme of things, that’s not all that long. Give yourself some credit, dear one. So far, you have survived every single thing thrown at you in the last three plus years…exactly 100% of the time! That’s pretty awesome! Still, that doesn’t solve your problem with the house and your work. You have choices every day. As Yoda said, “Do. Or Do Not. There is no try.” An elephant is consumed one bite at a time. Use the “3 Foot Square” method of cleaning. Choose one 3 foot square section in your home and clean that before you do anything else in the morning. Even my 9 year old granddaughter can clean 9 square feet a day. Do that, then reward yourself with a coffee or cup of tea. Take that 15 minutes to thank God for giving you another chance to tackle this work today. Thank Him for waking you up. Ask Him to walk with you into your office and help you concentrate. Brain fog is a real, physical problem with grief. Set a timer and work 45 minutes and take a timed 15 minute break. Then do it again. You can do this, dear one. Scripture tells us “I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.” It’s true. You can. Now, here’s a hug. ❤️