I haven’t had one of my “rough nights” in quite a while. When I was a new widow, every night was a rough night. I remember literally clinging to the side of the mattress and willing myself to live until morning. I rode out wave after wave of grief, fear, and anxiety over and over. It wore me out. I will never forget when the sun started to shine again. Those long dark nights finally started to recede and I didn’t feel like I was struggling as much with my grief.

Then, the hyperparathyroidism started and so many of the symptoms mimic the anguish of grief. I felt like I’d been thrown back in the fire and it was almost too much to bear. Around that time, Mr. FixIt and I started dating. A new love interest grew and it did wonders for my healing. Ours wasn’t a bandaid fix or a distraction to grieving. I still had plenty of grief to deal with, but it did show me there was a light at the end of the tunnel and I could live happily again.

Hyperparathyroidism wreaks havoc with my physical and mental wellbeing. I’ve gone a long way toward taming that beast but still, from time to time…and for whatever reason…I have a rough night. It starts with a sharp increase in pain. Then I become fidgety and toss and turn and can’t get to sleep. Then my tired brain says, “You’d better get some rest, kiddo. What if something happens and you’ve got to be at the top of your game.” At that point, anxiety starts to creep in and I get hyper focused on trying to get to sleep. 

Have you ever tried to will yourself to sleep? It just doesn’t work. I was still counting the dots on the ceiling at 8:00 yesterday morning. I had long since moved into the guest room so at least Mr. FixIt could get some sleep. I finally drifted off around 8:30 or so and woke up at 12:30. Mr. FixIt was gone. He left for the youngest granddaughter’s softball game. I hated to miss it, but I was so glad he didn’t wake me up. I needed the rest.

The weirdest thing is, after a night like that, I wake up and…other than being a little tired…I feel like a million bucks and I can take on anything. It’s crazy making. Mr. FixIt left me a note telling me he would call me after the game. I decided to just drive on into town and meet him so we could have a date. We got a salad from a local restaurant and went to “The Point” to watch the riverboat traffic. It was a beautiful evening and the barge traffic didn’t disappoint. When we got home, I knitted while we watched the news and that was the end of the day.

I am so grateful those nights don’t show up much anymore. They are maddening but I’ve learned to accept them for what they are…my mind and body crying out for a little TLC and time with Jesus. Curling up in bed with my Bible readings when I’m feeling those waves calms me immensely. I used to listen to the enemy and beat myself up, telling myself I’m “weak” and “crazy” but neither one is true. I am strong and dealing with a physical ailment that I have no control over.

Chronic illness is a slippery sucker. No one really knows you have it unless it shows from the outside. I have been so blessed with this platform in which I am constantly reminded I am not alone. There are countless others who have physical and mental struggles to carry. I think God put me here to learn that…and to be there for others as they walk a familiar path.

?

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 ESV