After the initial shock of losing Mr. Virgo began to fade…ever so slightly, I set out to fill the void losing him created in my life. I only had him seven and a half years. I can’t imagine the emptiness of losing your partner of forty years or more. I experienced my first attempt at “dating” just five months after he died. Five months? What was I thinking???

Well….obviously I WASN’T thinking…not clearly. I had what has come to be called “The Band-Aid Relationship”. That attempt to stop hurting. That vain attempt to “replace” what I had lost. Oh, he was a perfectly nice man. A gentleman. A tender soul. A man who, even after I ripped the Band-Aid off, screaming in emotional and physical pain and ripping his heart out in the process… This man would still sit and listen to me wail on the phone for hours. OMGosh! What I put him through! What I put MYSELF through in a desperate attempt to make the pain go away. It was very, very sad.

I waited a year before I tried again. Another very nice man. A gentle, sweet spirit that I ran from at the first sign of feelings. I am still friends with this one as well. I’m fortunate to have their friendship. But it caused pain for both of us. What do you do? Just stay in a shell forever and never try? I have many, many women friends who would never consider having another relationship. I didn’t understand that. I didn’t WANT to understand that. I had a feeling if I waited long enough, I too wouldn’t want a man in my life. I was afraid of getting to that point because I wasn’t at all sure I wanted to be alone with myself. I wasn’t at all sure I really liked ME.

I met someone in May of last year that I thought I might actually WANT to be in a relationship with. But it didn’t work out. He rekindled a relationship with someone from before me. That one stung on a different level. It made me stop and take a look at myself. It made me realize I had no earthly idea who I really was. What did I like? What did I believe in? What are my core values? Could I take care of myself? Why was I so afraid to be alone? I set out to answer these questions and get a clearer picture of who I was in the world before ever attempting to add someone else’s heart in the mix.

There have been many moments when I had to force myself to sit still, shut up, and listen to my heart beat. I had to still the chatterbox inside who constantly told me to listen to the opinions of others because they knew better than me what the world was all about. What I was all about. I had to go deep inside and do some serious housecleaning. There were days when I did nothing but sit on the deck and watch the river flow by. And eventually, I began to clear away this fog that I have been hiding in for so long. I began to look at myself with compassion…this poor bruised and battered soul who was so lost and alone. I began to realize that God loved this little waif. And if God loved her, surely I could. I decided to befriend her. I took her outside to play. I held her when she cried and I told her how wonderful she is. I told her she was beautiful and brave and strong and capable. And then I had to tell her a truth that hurt us both. I told her she didn’t really NEED a man in her life to be complete. I told her she was going to be fine on her own. She was going to be able to take care of herself. I told her she just needed to stop and breathe…and just BE.

She listened. Thank God she listened because I was a little worried about her. Integrating that part of myself that was so scared and lonely into the woman I’ve become was one of the most challenging periods of my life. One that was only made possible because of the loss and subsequent pain I’ve been through. With God I am never truly alone. And…I like this person I’ve become. Genuinely.

❤️

“Whoever gets sense loves his own soul; he who keeps understanding will discover good.”

Proverbs 19:8 ESV