I’ve been monitoring my social media usage the last few weeks. With the lead up to the election, I found my stress level rising. Add the new roof and trying to get the a-frame camper back from the shop and getting everything buttoned up for winter and my stress alarms were bing-bonging all over the place. 

I have to say, during the last couple of elections, I let my better angels take a back seat and opened my mouth in ways and at times I shouldn’t have. It cost me friendships that I held dear and I’m saddened by that. I know it cost me readers and I’m sure glad you stuck it out with me. Going into the midterms, I made a concerted effort to keep away from the third rail and it made my life much easier.

I always told my girls, “You cannot possibly live long enough to make every mistake out there, so try to learn from the mistakes of others.” I’ve been watching a major social media outlet as it crashes and burns. Its CEO has been lashing out and generally making an a$$ of himself and wondering why it’s all falling apart. And, while that’s been happening, I’ve witnessed people saying things that leave me shaking my head and wondering…did they kiss their mama with that mouth?

I’ve been following Susan David, Ph.D. (@SusanDavid_PhD) on Twitter for some time. She wrote the #1 Wall Street Journal Bestseller…Emotional Agility. I have not read the book yet as I still have difficulty concentrating on reading. Dr. David is a Psychologist at Harvard, and a TED Speaker. Her tweets are little mini counseling sessions where she gives you something to ponder.

I was scrolling my Twitter feed yesterday morning when her tweet showed up.

“You may be right…but is your response serving you?”

That one stopped me in my tracks and really made me think. That’s something we can use in just about any scenario. The first thing I thought of when I read that was, “Do I have to correct my husband every single time he makes a mistake?” I don’t…but I feel like I do that way too often. And Dr. David is absolutely correct. I may be right…but does it serve me? And the answer is no.

We’ve all seen the hurt behind the eyes of someone we love when we make a cutting remark out of frustration or anger or exhaustion. I hate that. I want to keep those longing looks I used to get when he thought I walked on water. Ok…we can’t do that either. Real life kicks in at some point and two independent adults living in close quarters are bound to bump heads at one time or another.

I remember when Mr. Virgo was alive. We never had an argument. About anything. At the time, I thought that was marital bliss. Since then I’ve learned, that was anger suppression. We probably should have argued…or at least expressed our displeasure when we felt it. And I don’t think we did that. He passed away before any real damage was done from that suppression so I’ll never know how it would have played out in our relationship. But I have an idea it wouldn’t have gone well.

Mr. FixIt and I have no problem laying things out on the table. We don’t fight, but we have spirited conversations from time to time. We’ve walked away and gone to our corners to cool off then come back together and speak more rationally. This is different than any relationship I’ve ever had and I think it’s because we’re older, more mature, and just too tired to make a big deal of crap that’s not important.

It’s funny the things we thought were such a big deal in our thirties and forties just…aren’t anymore. I wish I would have known this when I was younger. I could have saved myself a lot of angst. I didn’t have a very healthy role model in my parents’ relationship to learn how to BE in one of my own. I, like most people, learned from trial and error. Like Maya Angelou said, “We do what we know and when we know better, we do better.”

At least…that’s the goal.

?

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

1 Corinthians 13:4-7 ESV