No, no…not me. I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry. Last night, Mr. FixIt and I watched the Veteran’s Day tribute to the final episode of MASH. Oh…I really loved that show. The first episode aired on September 17, 1972. I was in my second year of radiology training. But, I don’t really remember watching it until the late 1970’s, probably because I spent the middle of that decade in England. 

Hubby #2 was in medical school and we were dirt poor. We couldn’t afford to heat the house so as soon as it was dark out, we’d all pile up in our bed under a gazillion covers to stay warm. MASH was one of our favorite shows. When we finally were finished with medical training, we moved to the mountains. MASH was syndicated by then and there were reruns every night. It was our habit to watch the 11:00 news, then an episode of MASH before we went to sleep. 

When that fateful day came when it wasn’t on after the news anymore, it felt like the whole world was different. In the final episode, BJ has been having a really hard time saying the word “goodbye”. As Hawkeye lifts off in the helicopter, he looks down and sees that BJ arranged the white rocks from around the camp into the word GOODBYE…and the familiar strains of the theme song came in as the chopper flies off into the sunset.

Goodbyes are not easy. Sometimes we get the opportunity to say goodbye…sometimes we don’t. Real life isn’t like a well loved if not slightly predictable television program. As I sat down to write this, I opened my iPad like I do every night. My browser was open and there was a story about Alex Trebek’s final day. Alex was particularly fond of a swing he had on his property. He spent his last day, sitting in that swing with his wife, staring at the horizon. I don’t know what his view was, but I think the fact that he was at peace with what he undoubtedly knew was coming made it all the more beautiful. 

I read that his only regret was he didn’t get to spend as many years with his beloved wife as he would have liked. I think of her now…newly bereaved…sitting out in that swing alone. She still feels him with her, I’m sure. What a beautiful last day he had. Holding his wife’s hand, rocking in the swing. Perhaps they spoke. Perhaps they had long stretches of companionable silence. No one knows but her…as it should be.

Goodbyes are our last moments of intimacy with people. I was bent over Mr. Virgo as he lay on the floor of that camper in Colorado. I knelt down beside him and held his hand to my chest. On some level, I’m sure I knew I was saying goodbye, but I was doing my darnedest to will him to stay with me. Just in case, I leaned in close to his ear and whispered, “I love you.” He whispered back, “I love you, too.” I know so many don’t get that goodbye…that closure…and that breaks my heart.

I have a cousin I dearly love. We’ve been FB friends for quite some time. He and his wife were so wonderful and helped me adjust when I first moved back to West Virginia. I am not sure what happened, but we are no longer connected on FB. I don’t know if he saw my political posts and didn’t like them. I don’t know if I said or did something that upset him in some way. I didn’t discover this until yesterday morning, so I have no idea how long it’s been since he unfriended me. It breaks my heart because I love him. But, what can you do? I reached out to his wife and told her to please tell him I love him to the moon…her, too. Maybe we’ll reconnect. Maybe not. Not all goodbyes bring closure. Sometimes they’re one sided and we just have to accept them.

I’ve never liked goodbyes. They make me sad. They make me cry. Sometimes they confuse me. Sometimes they force me to look in a mirror. There have been a few that have caused me to breathe a sigh of relief. In whatever form, goodbyes always reflect change. The impermanence of this life and the relationships we get to have in it. They’re not always for richer or for poorer, till death us do part. Sometimes they are nothing more than staring off at the horizon.

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“My friends, be glad, even if you have a lot of trouble. You know you learn to endure by having your faith tested. But you must learn to endure everything, so you will be completely mature and not lacking in anything.”

James 1:2-4 CEV