I know many who are approaching this as their first Christmas without their loved one. Those “firsts”…and sometimes the “seconds” are really tough. Watching everyone happy when you feel such pain and longing inside is so hard to take. It stirs so many emotions in you. By the time I reached the first Christmas without Mr. Virgo, he had been gone over nine months. While I still suffered agonizing sadness, I was also experiencing an emotion that shocked me.

Anger.

I was SO bloody angry at…everyone! God, for taking him. Happy people, for having the nerve to be happy. Myself, for not insisting he have those tests the doctor wanted to have done just months before he died. But, on one particular night, it was Mr. Virgo I was the most angry with. He had one heck of a lot of nerve leaving me with this mess to take care of!

It snowed all that day. I worked nearly an hour away from home. By the time I got home, there was at least a foot of snow in the driveway. I couldn’t get in the garage, so I stopped down by the street, went in and got the snow shovel that now only had MY name on it, and…after having worked a ten hour day…I set to shoveling. I got two tracks in…enough to pull the SUV up off the street. And I shoveled a path to the front porch.

I was crying by the time I was finished. It was so bitter cold. I was wet. And sad. And totally ****** off. I stripped off my wet hat, gloves, coat, and boots and left them on the tile floor in the foyer. Then I headed for the bedroom to run a hot bath. As I passed Mr. Virgo’s highboy, I caught a glimpse of his picture from our wedding. I was immediately overcome with this intense rage and it shocked me.

I pounded on the surface of his dresser, yelling at him through my tears. It was fierce. And immensely cathartic. I had felt stabs of anger over the previous months, but I stuffed it down. How could I possibly be angry with him for leaving me? He didn’t MEAN to. He didn’t do it on purpose. It’s just not right to be mad at someone for dying…is it?

I found out that cold December night that it is not only alright…it’s healthy. Grief covers every facet of emotions and not one of them is wrong. We grieve just like we live and love…with deep emotion. 

These photos showed up in my Facebook Memories yesterday. They reminded me of that dark night. But they reminded me of something else, too. These pictures were taken the following morning. After that hot bath the night before, I cried myself to sleep and awoke in the fog that comes after such emotional upheaval. I heard something, but couldn’t quite tell where it was coming from. I got up and drew my fluffy white robe tight around me and padded into the living room. 

The noise was louder out there. I went to the door, and there was the most miraculous sight. The “Snowblower Fairy” showed up! I couldn’t tell who it was with all that bundling up, but whoever it was, I was eternally grateful. I slipped on my boots and went out on the porch and waved. He stopped, pulled down his face covering, and I saw the broad smile of my neighbor, Ben. What a delightful surprise! There was a full 18” of snow out there and he cleared out the entire driveway and the long front sidewalk. 

I was off that day, so I baked them something. I don’t remember now what it was, but it was still warm from the oven when I took it to them. There’s nothing more wonderful than a good neighbor that watches out for you. As a new widow, I was blessed with many such gifts and I’ve never forgotten to pay those kindnesses forward. If you are hurting this holiday season, I hope you have someone who pays you some kindness. I pray that you do.

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“For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.””

Galatians 5:14 NIV