Just before the bombings started in England in WWII, the Queen issued an edict that was produced on signs and posted everywhere to encourage the British citizenry.

“Keep Calm and Carry On”

After all, it is what the Brits were known for. Strength and calm in the face of adversity. They are a stoic lot with dry wit, fierce loyalty, and sturdy countenance…all attributes well to be admired and emulated by all. 

As we march toward a Christmas unlike any other you and I have likely experienced, I find myself particularly emotional. I’ve always been one to cry at Kodak commercials. Show me the ones with a soldier coming home to his mom and I’m a puddle. A news story about a little boy with inoperable brain cancer delivering toys to the hospital chemo ward because their funding was cut after Covid struck? I’m a mess. 

Babies being born.

People holding hands.

Children baking cookies.

Ahhhh…that last one gets me every time. After Mr. Virgo died, I was included in the family baking day at my son-in-law’s house and I felt a renewed hope after such a painful loss. After moving to West Virginia, I flew to Colorado at Christmas for a couple of years. Then it became increasingly expensive and the weather was dicey. I started spending more time in the summers to make up for it.

Still, Facebook floods my feed with memories of Christmas past and much of that includes Mr. Virgo…and baking cookies. And I find my heart hurting. I cannot tease out my memories of Mr. Virgo and discard them simply because I am happily married to a wonderful man. He is woven in there like a thread through the tapestry of my life. I miss my mom at Christmas. I miss my grandparents at Christmas. Why wouldn’t I also miss Mr. Virgo? It’s only natural that I would and does not take away from my love for Mr. FixIt in any way.

I’m missing the whole package of Colorado this year. I haven’t seen my western family since my daughter’s wedding in August 2019. Yesterday was their cookie baking day. Sue told me about it last week. So, I prepared myself for a day of baking yesterday so I could at least be doing the same thing they were doing, even though I’m many miles away. And my heart hurts. Pictures bring tears. A picture of my daughter removing a tray of cookies from the oven. My grandkids decorating cookies. Snow on the mountains. Setting up the new bird-feeder we got them for Christmas. My eyes have been leaking a lot this week.

Then, there are the good things here on the Ponderosa. The neighbors knocking on our door, bringing us cookies and taking a tin of ours along with them. The black cat playing in the snow and sitting on the windowsill, watching me bake. The smell of cookies fresh from the oven. The feel of sourdough as I turn it and set it to rise. The smell of the cold outdoors on my husband’s collar when he returns from errands. The lights on the tree in the grand window of the family room. The phone calls and Christmas cards. The family dropping by for quick visits out of doors to avoid close contact but still getting to see each other. The packages waiting to be wrapped for our West Virginia family.

It’s ok to feel happy and sad at the same time. This has been a long, hard year. Feeling our feelings is how we process through them. I think the hardest thing I’ve seen this year though, is watching our front line workers in the hospitals…reeling from the aftermath of people insisting on maintaining a normal Thanksgiving. The wave upon wave of illness is taking its told on our healthcare staff as well as our teachers and all essential workers. To see the news and hear of the expected travel for Christmas just breaks me. 

I am foregoing my visits with my Colorado family…not only for my own safety, but for theirs and all the people I would contact between here and there. How hard can it be to make a sacrifice for others? 

Yes…my heart hurts a lot lately. And this too shall pass.

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“Christ encourages you, and his love comforts you. God’s Spirit unites you, and you are concerned for others. Now make me completely happy! Live in harmony by showing love for each other. Be united in what you think, as if you were only one person. Don’t be jealous or proud, but be humble and consider others more important than yourselves. Care about them as much as you care about yourselves and think the same way that Christ Jesus thought:”

Philippians 2:1-5 CEV