Aging ain’t for sissies, is it. I’m sixty-seven now, and while that’s not elderly by any stretch of the imagination…I’m no spring chicken. “Grief Brain” threw me for a loop. The first couple of years after losing Mr. Virgo, I couldn’t remember things without writing lists and then I couldn’t remember where I put them. Things just seemed to fall through the crack and it really scared me. But, with time and healing, that got a lot better. Then…I had a closed head injury.

In February 2017, a man pulled out in front of me and I could not stop. I t-boned him, the airbags went off, and we went around in a circle in the road. I had a pretty bad concussion and a subdural hematoma and I lost my memory…about two months before and at least two months after. I mean, like…I had a whole trip to Florida that I do not remember. I saw the historic re-enactment complex at Fort New Salem on the internet. I went and showed it to Mr. FixIt and suggested we should go see it because it looked really interesting. He looked at me weird and said…quietly, “Honey, I took you there.” I had absolutely no memory of it until he described what it looked like and that the day was rainy and the wood on the buildings were dark grey with moisture. Then, it was like remembering a photograph I was shown fleetingly once, but I couldn’t recall the circumstances around it.

That was really scary, but again, with time and healing, I was able to develop and hold onto new memories, although those months surrounding the accident are still a dim and distant fog. An out-of-focus picture album of black and white photos…grainy and crackled.

Sometime about three years or so ago, I started getting these weird, phantom pains that migrated…here for a while, then there for a while. My temper got really short and I was just grouchy about everything. I couldn’t sleep worth a darn. And the fog started rolling in again. This time, I was really afraid I was getting Alzheimer’s. I have trouble finding words when I talk. I swear things have never happened when Mr. FixIt swears just as strongly that they did.

We went for a drive yesterday to find the house my parents lived in when they were first married. I may have seen it when I was young, but even looking at it didn’t ring a bell with me. It turns out, I’ve driven past it hundreds of times…I just didn’t know its significance. Then, I told Mr. FixIt I wanted to find the house my aunt lived in when I was a little girl. He said I had shown him that house before and told him someone I knew had lived there. It couldn’t have been my aunt’s house because I didn’t even know where it was until I saw the address in the city directory yesterday when I was working on my genealogy.

We drove toward the area when he pointed out a house and said, “There…it’s that one.” He said it may not be my aunt that I told him had lived there, but I’ve pointed that house out to him several times and told him I used to know who lived there. I actually drove past the house twice yesterday, and…even though I have driven past it all my life…I have absolutely no memory of ever telling him I know someone who lived there. None whatsoever.

When these things happen, it’s terribly disconcerting. However, now I know that this is a very common side effect of hyperparathyroidism, and when I get the tumor removed, it should improved greatly. I certainly hope so, because it is very upsetting to walk around in a fog when you know you’ve been a whole lot sharper than this. As soon as we get the second dose of the covid vaccine and I’ve had a few days to get through any side effects, I’ll be calling to schedule my surgery in Florida. Then I can get my life back on track and feel more like myself again.

It’s not just the mental fog. Some days I hurt something awful and have a hard time getting up and down out of my chair. Muscle and joint pain and headaches on top of the brain fog is enough to get you down. So, until I can get the surgery done, I continue to work word puzzles about an hour every day and do what I can to keep my brain active. I’m going to start walking and eating healthier, as well. There are brighter days ahead…and I’m not going to miss out on anything. I have too much living to do to just settle for this!

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“Once again Jesus spoke to the people. This time he said, “I am the light for the world! Follow me, and you won’t be walking in the dark. You will have the light that gives life.””

John 8:12 CEV