Several weeks ago, I asked a question on my personal Facebook page: “Shouldn’t married couples quarantine separately? (Asking for a friend)” I got a lot of responses. Many laughed and knew the tongue-in-cheek nature of the question. Some professed their undying love for their husbands and how fabulous it’s been being with them 24/7. I’m not sure they realized they might have to do this ad infinitum. I haven’t checked back in with them to see how they’re doing…for two reasons. If they are still all googly-eyed and swooning over every moment of his presence, either my friends are big fat liars…or I’m a total failure at this shelter-in-place thing.
Cause…I gotta tell ya…I’m not the easiest person to be around these days. I’m crotchety. Testy. And sometimes, flat out mean. I don’t mean to be. I’ve got the sweetest husband on the planet. And, I have to be getting on his nerves, too. We came into this relationship retired, independent, with grown kids. We were used to doing our own thing. The whirlwind of romance and travel and marriage was balanced with time spent pursuing our own interests. Take that all away and you have two people who adore each other who are “sheltering-in-place” with nowhere to go. No dates. No trips to the beach. No entertaining the family. Just…us.
He’s a noisy sleeper. I have to be right all the time. He watches too much TV. I can’t keep a kitchen clean to save my life. He says “ambulance” wrong. I have too many Amazon packages arriving.
24/7/56 and counting.
Just to be clear…there’s not a soul on the planet that I would rather be holed up with than this guy. Still…I miss camping with my girlfriends. I’m afraid I won’t get to go to Colorado this summer to see my family. I miss gathering for coffee with my high school classmates. I miss the two nights a week that Mr. FixIt bowled with his buddies and I got to stay home and read and take bubble baths. He would never say a word, but I’m sure he misses his lazy errand days where he went from store to store and chatted with all the people he was sure to run into that he knows. And, I’m pretty darned sure he misses the wife that didn’t nag all the time.
I think cabin fever has truly set in and we’re both getting a little frustrated by the restrictions. Everyone is. And that isn’t really bringing out the best in us. How do we maintain close personal relationships when “close” is all we got? Well, the first thing to remember is…just because we are sharing the same space doesn’t mean we are sharing intimacy. I’m not talking the making whoopie kind, although that’s great ( ! ! ! ). I’m talking about something they mentioned on CBS Sunday Morning yesterday. Skin hunger.
We crave and thrive on physical touch. Without it, an important part of our daily needs is not being met. I went through this with my divorces and with the loss of Mr. Virgo. As a matter of fact, I had my physician prescribe a weekly massage for me when I was newly divorced so I could have at least some semblance of human touch. When I became a widow, there were people everywhere to give me hugs. Not so much for most people riding out this pandemic alone. And they can’t even go get a massage right now.
We are missing the strangers in our lives. The people we smiled at when we walked into a crowded restaurant. We miss the new people we meet and shake hands with. We miss the casual hand on the arm or the brush-by in a crowd. Now we look at others as threats…possible carriers of a deadly disease. It’s causing us to grieve that loss. And, if we are already grieving a loss and we are alone…it’s compounding that grief.
Good communication and physical contact goes a long way in getting you through the tough times in any relationship. This is even more important during a high stress event like we are currently experiencing. I know things will get better. The world will open up and we’ll be able to do things again…differently, perhaps. There WILL be a time when we can have some space from those we’ve been sheltering with…and some connection with others that we miss. When I absolutely need to, I take my laundry out to the farm and stay a day or two. Yesterday, I took a new cookbook I recently purchased and went out to the camper to read for a couple of hours while Mr. FixIt puttered around in the yard.
I don’t like being not so nice. Like every situation…there is a beginning and an end. I can focus on making that space between the two a period of transition. Introspection. Personal growth. Temperance. A time to get a little closer to God and ask His help…maybe ask Him to put His hand over my mouth when I’m feeling testy.
This too shall pass.
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“A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls.”
Proverbs 25:28 ESV
I’m right there with you. While I don’t like “crowds”, I loke being around people. My husband is the ultimate introvert. As long as the TV still has Film Noir and John Wayne flickering, he could stay quarantined FOREVER. He, however, is an “essential” worker, so HE, Mr. Introvert, gets to go and be with people every day. I, on the other hand, am stuck at home with the dog. In the beginning, it wasn’t so bad. Since I had no excuse to GO, I was determined to clean this house. It started out well, but then…. the garbage pickup was cut WAY back. I guess everyone had the same idea and it was overworking the sanitation crews. Then, I realized that clearing out a closet was futile because the donation centers were all closed. And then, the need for masks popped up and I thought “wow, I can make masks out of all that fabric I was going to get rid of. Now, over 400 masks made and my back hurts from hunching over the sewing machine. I am sick to death of cooking and cleaning dishes. The piles that I made cleaning in the beginning are sitting around my house making it look like an obsticle course. You get the picture. I’m not gonna lie – I went to WalMart one day just to walk the aisles and see people!!! As they say, desperate times call for desperate measures!
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Try dealing with corona, power going out for hours one day, community water being off another, death in family, now internet & AT&T off!??I had myself a hissie fit yesterday. No phone or WiFi for at least 3 more days.
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I’m sorry you are under such pressure! Deep breaths, hydrate, and get as much sleep as you can. This must feel like too much! But you can do it ♥
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I’m losing faith in friends who declare they’re “done” with isolation and are going out as much as they want. Because they’re “not sick”. and they’d “rather die of the virus than of boredom”. I knew this quarantine would bring out the best and worst of people, but NOT people I considered wise and reasonable, and who I thought had loving hearts.
It hurts when you realize you don’t know people as well as you thunked you did.
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I am determined to come out if this a better person. Starting tomorrow, which I say daily! I hope to become organized. I am determined to have a schedule where I make good use of time! That is the gift…time! We have lots of it. Wouldn’t it be great to end up with all our projects caught up? Our body healthier? All junk food tossed while we cleaned our pantry and fridge? Etc.
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Oh Ginny, as I read your description of yourself I see such a strong resemblance of myself. My husband and I have been married 45 years this June. He is kind, patient, can fix almost anything, physically strong, good Christian, but is dyslexic, hard of hearing, cannot pronounce ambulance, l lightning and few other words correctly. I have to be right, use good grammar and nag way too much under the pretenses of making us both better individuals.
He was diagnosed with thyroid cancer several years ago. He has had radial iodine treatments and a number of surgeries. They used to tell us this was the “good cancer”. That if you had to have cancer Papillary thyroid cancer was the one to get. There is no good cancer.
I retired in January of 2020 and have been beside myself. I hate it! I prayed and I felt like God told me to get my house in order. After confiding to a close friend she told me I was grieving my old job. I was miserable. I started cleaning and organizing and my plan following that was to begin part-time work or volunteer. That when COVID-19 came on strong in the U.S. Exactly when I was burnt out from being at home. I as a horrible person to be quarantined with.
We were scheduled for my husband’s annual lengthy trip to Mayo Clinic Rochester May 1st. We had been extremely careful about quarantine. We contacted our P.C. to see if we should postpone the trip. He advised us to keep the appointment. Fortunately, we did. The cancer had come back with a vengeance. This time it was not only in the lymph nodes but a sizable tumor around the carotid artery. Until our appointment with the surgeon we had been told repeatedly by the oncologist that it was operable and surgery would probably be this week. However, the surgeon had another opinion. It was far to dangerous due to the location of the carotid artery and because my husband’s right vocal cord was already paralyzed a surgery on the left side would certainly put the left vocal cord in Jeopardy. Perhaps even requiring a permanent teach. Our hearts sank in shock. We neither one had any idea. We were sent back to oncology to prepare for a chemo plan. I can’t describe what has gone through our minds and to be separated from our family, church family and friends.
It’s only been a week since he started chemo but through the years he’s never complained or questioned “why him”. I’m so thankful for this man. I don’t deserve him and his devoted love but God has blessed me with him. This horrible experience has opened my eyes and my perspective. I’m grateful for each day to hear his voice and to have his strong body by my side. I’m a very blessed woman. I pray my nagging never returns. God has given us both wonderful husbands. Be blessed Ginny! Life is precious. ?
Oh, Sharon…bless your heart! Thank you so much for writing to me. God definitely sent you to counsel me in this matter and I am so grateful. You are so wise, and the reminder we do not know what is coming around the next bend gives me pause. You are right, of course…we DO both have wonderful husbands. And I never for one moment would even want to be anywhere but at his side Thanks you again. You both are in my prayers for healing and courage and strength. ❤️?❤️