Growing up in a dysfunctional home in the ‘50s and ‘60s with an alcoholic father taught me a lot of things. But how to set and keep boundaries was not one of them. Heck, I didn’t have a clue what the term meant. My family of origin was so codependent, there was very little demarcation between where I ended and where others started.

This carried into my adult relationships. I married men who were equally codependent and it nearly killed me. After Hubby #2 and I split up, I bought Melody Beattie’s book…Codependent No More. It was eye opening. I will never forget the day I drew the line in the sand, creating a kind of demilitarized zone between us. The look on his face was “shock and awe”.

That was the day I began to own myself. I set clear boundaries and expectations. I demanded respect because, for the first time in my life, I felt true self respect. It was liberating. As I’ve gotten older, there are some boundaries set in stone, but others have become a little more flexible offering some give and take while still keeping the searchlights on the perimeter.

I was watching the hearings yesterday for the Impeachment Inquiry. I was impressed at the poise and dignity shown by the former U.S. ambassador, Marie Yovanovitch. She never lost her cool. She answered with the aplomb one would expect from a seasoned diplomat. That is, until one of the female panel members (I’m sorry, I cannot remember her name) started a line of questioning that got personal.

Her question…how did this affect you…elicited a guarded response. “I am a very private person, but…well, it’s been difficult.” 

“How has this affected your family?”

Women recognize the look on the ambassador’s face. She was crumbling behind that mask. Then, instead of capitulating and answering, she said, “I’d really rather not answer that…” immediately followed with a sincere, “but, thank you for asking.” That’s a boundary. I know it sounds condescending, but I felt so proud of her in that moment.

Women are programmed from a very young age that it isn’t polite not to answer someone’s question. That’s ridiculous. Just because someone asks does NOT mean you need to answer. This boundary can come in very handy when you are a widow. You can say no. You can change your mind. What sounded great three weeks ago may not work when it comes down to going. It’s ok to say no. It’s ok to change your mind.

I was talking with Daughter #1 last night. She was telling me about Big being on two swim teams…the competitive club team and her high school team. The new high school coach wants all the team members to come to swim practice all the time. So does the club coach. My granddaughter is all of 15 and she has set boundaries for what she can and cannot achieve. They need her because she’s good. She isn’t being a prima dona about it…she just knows her limitations. The coach tried a threatening tactic. “If you don’t come to all the practices, you won’t letter.” “That’s ok  I just want to swim with my friends and be on the team  I already lettered for swimming .” As a matter of fact, she’s lettered in swimming and academics (STEM) and has been inducted in the National Honor Society. Yeah, she’s good without the threats.

It warmed my heart to hear how my daughter stood up for and respected her own daughter’s boundaries. This is how we raise healthy young women to be strong and stand up for themselves. Because today it’s the swim team. Tomorrow it’s the college professors or coaches or football players. She needs to be able to set and keep boundaries for her own health and safety.

Making and keeping boundaries was a new life skill that I didn’t learn until I was in my 50’s. Now I’m at the point where I relish the opportunities to help younger people establish this skill in their own lives. It’s not only valuable, it’s absolutely necessary to protect your mental and physical self.

❤️

“Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.”

Galatians 6:4-5 NIV