As I was working on the website yesterday, I had to edit an old post in such a way that it appeared on my recent timeline. It was unintentional, but I don’t believe it was an accident as it stirred up some emotions for readers that had never seen it. It was the post where I really explained that my husband died. It was the first time I dove that deep in the pool of grief so it was pretty raw.

A couple of people responded to my mention of feeling guilty and, since your responses to my posts are often where I find inspiration for the next day’s post, I think we’ll visit this difficult emotion a bit.

A little back story…Mr. Virgo and I met with our new family physician in December of 2012. It was just a get acquainted visit really…short history, vitals, and medication review, so we went in together. When the doctor read Mr. Virgo’s family history of cardiac disease and cancers, she suggested a thorough work up, to which Mr. Virgo replied with a resounding “Nope. Next.” No cardiac work up, no cancer screening, no x-rays, no labs. He was “far too busy” with ski season ramping up and his crew was too young and inexperienced to leave a hotel like the Ritz Carlton in their inexperienced hands. The doctor was perplexed but gave him his prescriptions, I’m sure hoping she could reason with him better the next time. Or maybe, hoping I could knock some sense in him.

Segue ahead four months and this wonderful man who brought such joy and light in my life died right in front of me of a heart attack suffered while we were picking out a travel trailer for retirement. He had been working really hard. He told me his job was “killing him”. He was stressed, working incredibly long hours, not eating right, and smoking like a chimney. He lost about thirty pounds in the four months leading up to his death, in part because he had major dental work and new dentures. I was legitimately concerned about him but any question or suggestion was met with a rather terse “Don’t doctor me.” So, I let it slide. Then he was gone.

The guilt I felt was overwhelming. All the “what ifs” and “if onlys” haunted me every night. I forgot to tell the ER doctor he had taken Cialis that morning…something very important for an ER doctor to know in such circumstances due to possibly fatal drug interactions. What if that was it? Why didn’t I listen to him when he told me his job “was killing him”? Why didn’t I just agree and say it was ok to look for something closer to home? Well, for one reason…I knew there was nothing out there AND I knew we were both at an age when we couldn’t afford to go without health insurance for three months while we waited for benefits to kick in at a new job. Oh, I went round and round and round with this for months spending many sleepless nights working it like the worry beads of an old woman.

Guilt is a self-imposed emotion sometimes. I don’t mean that flippantly. I remember finally feeling some ease from the guilt when I kept mulling over what Hubby #2 (the doctor) said to me when I cried that I had killed my husband by not listening to him. He was kind enough to tell me, it wasn’t Mr. Virgo’s job or his hour plus drive to and from work every day that killed him. It was fifty years of hard core smoking, gallons of coffee, a meat-and-potatoes diet, and little to no aerobic exercise other than being on his feet 12-16 hours a day for forty years that killed him. Nothing more, nothing less. And I had absolutely no control over his genetics so feeling guilty was a waste of my most precious resource at the time…what little threads of my sanity I could manage to hang onto.

I am sure there are cases out there where something one did was a direct cause of their loved one’s death. Running a red light, perhaps. That is a possibility. But self-flagellation will not bring them back. And you need every bit of energy and strength you have to focus on getting you through your grief journey…especially during the critical first year or so. Be gentle with your sweet selves. Look at all the loving ways you supported your loved one while they were with you. Just remember the old adage about leading a horse to water. You cannot make them drink. And you cannot force another person to have medical tests done if they choose not to do them. Period. Think of that when you start rattling door knobs in the corridors of your 2:00 mind. ❤️

“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:7‬ ‭NIV‬‬