When my older daughter was about six or seven, we were sitting on the couch watching a PBS special. (Just ask her…Channel 6 is all she was ever allowed to watch. We were SO mean!) At one point, she sighed and laid her head on my shoulder.
“Mama?”
“Yes, babe?”
“When I die, I want to come back as a bear.”
“Really. Why is that?”
“So I can hyperventilate all winter.”
The child of medical parents who made her watch PBS nature shows. Poor kid.
There’s something to be said for hibernating, though. I spent a good deal of time on the phone yesterday with various friends. Every single one of them was searching for something…some sort of comfort…some form of peace. Quiet. Stillness. This was the major theme. I totally get that. I went to get a coffee yesterday morning, stopped at the store, emptied out my truck, watched the parade, did some laundry, and communed with my like-minded, ready-to-hibernate comrades. I was right there with them.
What brings us to this place where we crave the cave? Part of it, of course, is the long dark nights. And we are coming down off the frenzied sugar high of the holidays. We need to retreat…be still…listen to our hearts. Whether you’re rescuing yourself from a week of guests like a friend of mine, or feeling the stress of too many obligations and too many funerals like my friend Denise, or reeling from the death of your mother like my friend Debbie, or escaping from an emotional bruising like me…we’re all the same. We just want to be left alone to lick our wounds and refill our well.
I received a private message from one of my readers yesterday. He was confused. He didn’t understand what was happening with me because I was here to help my aunt and the next thing he knew, I was off on a different course. He wondered if he missed something and if I was ok. It made me realize not all of you get to see every post and some might think I didn’t take this situation with my aunt seriously or that I’m flighty. While there are certainly areas of my life beyond the scope of this page, there aren’t many and I’ve been up front and open with you about everything else…so here goes.
I’ve spent a great deal of time the last few weeks praying and meditating on what changed about the dynamic between my aunt and me. We are about as different as two people can possibly be. While she is very bright, somewhat worldly, and well read, she is extremely narrow in her views and uncompromising in her beliefs. I am a liberal, free-spirited social butterfly. She is 83…she believes in saying exactly what comes into her mind, without filter, and without regard for the effect her words may have on the recipient. I am 61…I believe in diplomacy and the rule my grandma taught me – “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” She is also angry. She is losing her independence and knows it. I am healthy and free, active and young. At least youngER. I was the closest thing available for my aunt to lash out at. I get that. I understand it from a medical and intellectual standpoint. That doesn’t make it sting any less, but I certainly get where she’s coming from. The problem came when she made it personal. When she started making calculated attacks, then retreating with sweetness only to attack again when I got close enough, it started making me question what was going on. I don’t want to believe she would actually be mean…on purpose. But none of that matters in the grand scheme of things. Because if she doesn’t respect me…if she doesn’t trust my judgement or my expertise…a caregiving relationship cannot be established. Nothing will ever be right…nothing will ever be satisfactory. And, as it turns out, I am not who she wants in that capacity and that’s ok. This is, after all, her life…her home…her future. The sad thing is, I doubt there’s anyone else she WOULD want. I know there is no one else available. I was the only one, short of hiring someone, that can keep her out of a nursing home. I felt it was the best thing, for all parties involved, to bow out gracefully and let she and her brother figure out a solution that will be more amenable to her. I also wanted to do this in such a way that would not break whatever tenuous connection we still have. After talking with her yesterday, I think we may have accomplished that. I hope so, because I do love her and only want what’s best for everyone involved.
Relationships are a lot of work. I knew coming into this that it might not work out, but I held high hopes. The most wonderful lesson I have learned from this situation is…I can trust my gut instincts AND I can control my mouth and not go down a destructive path just to prove a point. So, now I can hibernate a little bit myself, fill my well, and come out swinging again. We all need a little down time. You should never feel bad about taking yours.
❤