Chilling after a five hour drive…listening to a podcast.

From the time my uncle told me it was time to sell the farm, I started having a major uptick in my anxiety. I had never known a time in my life when the farm was not “home” to me. My heart was breaking. Where would I go to recharge? Where would I feel my family again? On top of that, my daughter and grandchildren were coming to see us and Little was going to stay a couple of weeks. We hadn’t seen each other in two years. Would the newly grown up teenagers like their “old Nana”? What if Little couldn’t relate to me? What if something happened to her, or me, or Mr. FixIt while her mom was so far away? It got so bad, I actually saw the doctor a couple of times because I thought I was having a heart attack.

You get where I’m going with this? I was succumbing to my worries and anxiety as well as openly mourning the passing of an era…the era of “The Farm”. I knew I had to do something. Because I was not making life easy for anyone around me. And that would guarantee that Little wouldn’t want to be around me in such a state. She is very sensitive to other’s emotions. Oh, I could have gone to another therapist. But, seriously…I have had ten years of therapy for depression and anxiety. I know as much about it as the therapists. I have every tool in my tool box. I didn’t have a lot of faith that this time would be any different.

So, I approached it biblically. I went to God. I asked Him to show me how to help myself out of these downward spirals. I kept thinking of the scripture about holding our thoughts captive and started reading every devotional I could find about anxiety and fighting the war in your mind. I found so many wonderful works and they really helped. 

The basic tenet is…you cannot worry while you are praising God. I told you a few weeks ago that it really helped me to do repetitive affirmations. But not focused on me….focused on God. I started thanking him for everything. I had a little anxiety when I left yesterday morning. This is the first time I’ve left Mr. FixIt and been so far away. It’s one thing to spend a few days over at the farm when I’m only 20 miles away. It’s a whole different thing when I’m four hours away! 

I know that psychologists use repetitive activity to soothe anxiety. Combining that with praising God was a no brainer. The secret is to remember to do it and not just run down the rabbit hole of angst. As I drove, the enemy put thoughts into my head. 

“You can’t go this far away from him alone.”

“You know, if something happens to him and you’re not there, you’ll never forgive yourself.”

“Maybe you don’t have that adventurous spirit anymore.”

“Maybe you should turn around and just go back home.” 

“You don’t have what it takes to do this.”

You get the drift. Now, ordinarily, I would listen to that voice, and my fight or flight response would kick in, and then the nausea would start. Then, I’d spiral down, down, down till I got physically ill. Let me tell you something…this is the God’s honest truth. That is no way to live. There is no joy in that whatsoever.

And I want joy. I deserve JOY! It’s how God built us…to enjoy life. I was definitely not enjoying that particular stretch. I finally found a devotional that mixed science facts with faith. As I drove yesterday and felt my heart rate increase with every mile further away from my sweetheart, I brought myself into the present and asked God to teach me how to attain that “peace beyond all understanding.” 

I started looking at everything in my periphery. Starting every sentence with “Thank you God, for……” I thanked him for a beautiful day…for the luxurious foliage…for the way the sun glinted off the river…for the chance to spend quality time with Little…for my wonderful friends waiting for me at our destination. In no time flat…the anxiety was gone. I was in the moment and feeling such joy and piece. 

I thought to myself… “Is it really that easy?” 

Yes. It is. But, the hard part is capturing your thoughts before they take you down the rabbit hole. It’s hard to break 68 years of a bad habit. I’m committed to doing this. Because, the peace I felt was palpable…golden…complete.

Anyway, after a four hour drive and a trip to Walmart for food and supplies, we put things away, ate supper, and joined some of the gals to visit. Chilling in the campground is a happy way to end the day!

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“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”

Proverbs 4:23 ESV

“Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”

James 4:7 ESV

“We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,”

2 Corinthians 10:5 ESV