When you are actively grieving, you are quite certain you will never, ever feel joy again. I had a deep instinct just three days after losing Mr. Virgo. I had stopped at the local bookstore to buy a book on grief. The only thing I knew was what I had experienced losing my grandparents and my mom. I had read a few articles by Elizabeth Kübler Ross. It didn’t matter. I could have had a PhD in Psychology and I still wouldn’t have been any better prepared to lose the love of my life. The books and articles meant nothing to me. I couldn’t relate, mainly because I was in shock and couldn’t relate to much of anything in the world.

In the wee, dark hours of the third day, I was clutching my iPad to my chest, curled in a fetal position, eyes red and swollen from crying, unable to breathe, and I knew. I knew more than anything I had to grieve my own way…organically. I was going to reach inside and look for cellular memories in how to live after loss. I was going to allow myself the indulgences and mistakes and agonizing hours of wailing grief in order to make it through this. I knew I needed something joyful in front of me and that’s where TOW-Wanda came in.

Day after day, month after month, I came further and further away from my pain and closer to my self. I’m feeling an inner shift…another layer opened, another layer mended. I’m almost settled into my digs for the winter. I’m reconnecting with family and friends, meeting new people, going out to eat and hear live music. I’m exercising, eating right, sleeping better. As soon as the weather turns cold and I’m stuck inside, my focus will turn to writing. Writing brings me great joy and peace.

❤️

“You will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.”

Isaiah 55:12