I had a profound insight yesterday. I mean….deeply profound, as in “How could I possibly have been with that man for 21 years and not “get” this?” I had my hand on someone’s shoulder and I could feel the discomfort this caused. I didn’t think it was in an “I don’t like YOU” sort of way, but I could tell something was amiss. So, I asked. “Does my touching you make you uncomfortable?” The answer was, “I’m just not a real touchy person. It isn’t personal.” Knowing this person as I do, I believe that.

I went about my day, met a friend for lunch, and ran errands. Sometime in the afternoon, I flashed back to my second marriage. My ex-husband was not a touchy-feely person. It is not his “love language”. David Chapman wrote a book in 1995, The Five Love Languages. We express our love and affection by gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch. According to Chapman, “your chosen love language is the way you would most like to receive love from your companion.” Physical touch and words of affirmation are my choices. Looking back, I would say my ex’s was acts of service. You’re not supposed to give what you want to receive. You’re supposed to give what your partner CAN receive. Wow.

I spent the first ten years of that marriage trying to make him into a touchy feely guy. I spent the second ten years trying to pretend it didn’t matter to me. It never, ever occurred to me to ASK him if touching bothered him. It just ticked me off that he wouldn’t snuggle. After all, I was doing my level best to TEACH him. Oh, my gosh! He must have felt so smothered and overwhelmed with me fawning all over him all the time. Communication. Why does it have to be so tricky when you’re young?

I have always been a very physical person. I’m expansive and wave my hands around to emphasize points in a story. I love on people freely. I can’t help it….love just overflows and I sometimes don’t know what to do with it all because I love everybody. I didn’t realize things might have been different with my ex if we both would have learned a new language instead of being so angry that we didn’t speak the same one. Honestly, it probably wouldn’t have made a difference in the outcome of that relationship but this was quite an eye opener. Why do we have to get to our 60’s before we really start to “get” it?

❤️

“Take control of what I say, O LORD, and guard my lips.”

Psalms 141:3 NLT