What happens when you have to “dig in and go dark?” When you have the diagnosis, you’ve gone through the years of treatments, nothing else is working, so your spouse makes the decision you have dreaded from the beginning…no more? That was the question posed to me. It’s different for everyone and I don’t know for sure…I haven’t suffered this particular hell. But, my answer was this. Do what you need to do and don’t apologize for it.
Facebook has become a simplified way to let more distant family and friends know what’s going on during illness and the dying process. It tends to keep people from having to write the same story over and over. I suggested being honest. Tell them where you are in the decision process, explain you’re entering new territory with many unknowns that you’ll be learning to deal with as you go, and now…while you love each and every one and you covet their prayers…you have to unplug. Designate someone to let the closest people know what’s going on if you can’t do it.
You don’t owe the world an explanation. I understand there will be those who feel left out or put out, but your time is best spent in communion with your loved one. You will have many demands on your time. Trying to update everyone on social media shouldn’t be one of them if it overwhelms you. From the other side of the coin, understand there’s a lot going on in a family whose loved one is dying and as much as you would like to know what’s going on, giving a family space and your prayers are the two best things you can do if you aren’t in the “inner circle.“
Many of you have shared your experiences of going through this kind of loss. What kind of advice would you give to someone heading into the last part of the process? What helped you the most? What did you really need from people? How did you handle communications?
Remember, when you’ve gone through loss and you’re functioning better and moving forward, don’t forget to turn back around and offer your hand to those coming up behind you on the same journey. Insight…it is one of the gems in the flame. ❤
“…a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;”
Ecclesiastes 3:7 ESV
Yesterday was our 1yr of our mom passing. I was the one responsible for decisions on her care.
I told everyone I was ” off duty” for anything not concerning our mom. She was first!
All Grma’s granddaughter’s were there for the last 24hrs to give comfort care for her plus it helped them to give back to her.
Designate even the littlest thing to someone else. It helps them feel like they are helping and ” serving” the loved one in even the littlest way.
Breathe!! Grieve…as only you can…it might not come right away but it will.
I love this..thank you for sharing .this is a blessing.
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It’s never easy to lose someone we love, but it’s really difficult to lose our moms. My heart is with you. ❤️
Somewhat similar to the first post, I was responsible for making the decision to “pull the plug” so to speak for my oldest son who lived with HIV for 16 years and was going thru the dying process with AIDS for the last 5 years of his life. The end was not pretty but I must say it was peaceful and respectful. I brought his younger brother and his wife up to say their good byes (we lived in Texas but my oldest son was in Colorado) and then sent them home.
As a single parent to him for so many years, I decided that those final days were something that only he and I would go thru together. I brought him into this world and I would be with him when he left this world. There were no social media postings; none needed. I simply stayed in touch by phone with those closest to him. Pulling that plug was the worst decision of my life but the best decision for my son’s death. I thank God every day for giving me the courage to allow His will to be done without any interference from the medical community. And I thank God that He gave me the doctors and nurses who cared enough to help me make the right decision and to support me when my son’s life here on earth ended.
Im so sorry for the loss of your beloved son. Thank you for sharing. My heart is with you. ❤️
Six days before my son died, after a year and a half long battle with cancer, he fell into a coma. We knew the end was very near but had no idea how long and if he was aware of what was going on around him. I made sure that those six days were not filled with silence and mourning but with his friends and family coming and going, lots of hugs, kisses, laughter and story telling and ‘remember whens’, that if he could hear us, his thoughts would be filled with something pleasant and happy to his ears. On the last night of the coma, just hours before his death, he opened his eyes and looked at me with love and tenderness, he could not speak at this point but his eyes told me all I needed to know and I knew his final days were exactly what he needed❤️❤️❤️
That is awesome. Celebrating life can heal us while we grieve. I want people celebrating with me no matter the circumstance of me doing because I know I serve a risen Savior and where I am going.
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What a beautiful gift you gave your son AND those he loved. Bless your heart! ❤️
Tomorrow would have been my mom’s 85th birthday. She passed last month and I was not that her side to say goodbye because as you know my hubby and I are full timing and we were wintering in the RioGrande Valley. I stayed in contact with my siblings but it was very strained mainly because I decided not to fly home when they first told me she was in”comfort care”. I would have been up there over three weeks. I felt at the time I had said my good byes on the phone earlier. Now with her Birthday tomorrow I have caught myself tearing up at the strangest times. Maybe with Mrs. Bush’s passing it is opening my heart. I am sorry for bending your ear, but I feel I can because we both have gone thru losing our loves unexpectedly. We are now on the road and I don’t have anyone to voice my grief and let the tears flow. I know my mom is in heaven with my dad and they are both watching over all of us. I haven’t talked to my siblings since the funeral only thru texting and I feel since I am the oldest I should reach out first but I am afraid it will go wrong. Thankyou for this opportunity. ❤️❤️❤️
Oh, Pauline…it is so hard to lose our moms. I didn’t have sibling problems after losing my mom, but I know others who have and it sounds so distressing. I hope you find Just the right time to reach out to your family. Pray the God gives you the right words and timing, dear one. Keep in touch and drive safely. ❤️
It’s funny, because my sister Susan’s photo popped up in my memories today. We lost her December 30, 2016. Susan was staying with a friend in Ripley and during the night, she woke up and told her friend she was dying. Her friend called 911, but it took about 10 minutes for the ambulance to get there as her friend lived in a remote area. They took her to a local hospital, and then they transferred her to Ruby Memorial, where we went to see her. We waited about 4 hours before we were finally able to see her. I walked into the room, took one look at her, and knew Susan was already gone. That was just a shell of a human being lying on that bed. It was my mother’s decision to take her off the machines, so I said my goodbyes to Susan, hugged my mother, and came home to Parkersburg. I could not and would not stay and watch her being kept alive on a machine because I knew that is NOT what Susan wanted, but the decision was out of my hands. My mother waited another 24 hours and then gave permission for her to be “unplugged” and came home. My sister, Ginger, was the one holding out hope and she stayed with my mother until it was over. That would have been an easy decision for me to make if it was my choice. My sister was not there, and she would not have wanted that. I felt totally at peace when I left that day. We all handle grief the best way we can and I knew she would not want us hovering and watching her in that state. Thank you for allowing me to share.
That had to have been so difficult for your mom. You’re right, Lynn…we all handle grief differently. I’m glad you had peace with it all. ❤️
My husband passed away from cancer after fighting for 14 months. The last months of his life we did anything, saw anyone, ate anything he wanted. To give him some kind of control over an uncontrollable disease, I let him call the shots as long as he was physically and mentally able. As he slipped farther away in the last month of his life I allowed my son ( an adult) to field calls and questions. I also allowed my good friend, Judy, from church to field all good wishes and questions from church friends. This all allowed me to stay focused on my husband and his needs and wishes.
That’s beautiful, Pam…I’m so glad you were able to focus entirely on your husband and indulge his every whim as long as he could. What a gift you gave him. ❤️