How many times do we have to rehash yesterday’s news before we can put it to bed? I remember after my second marriage ended, I was in Kissimmee, FL visiting a friend. It had been a full year since the grand finale, yet my second marriage still lay smoldering at my feet for all to see.
My friend had company over one night while I was there. We went out to dinner and, as was my modus operandi, I rehashed the entire ordeal in morbid detail to this complete stranger. She sat and listened carefully, nodding every now and again…which only served to encourage my expansiveness on the subject of “how I was done wrong”. Finally my friend, who had become decidedly uncomfortable, interrupted and said, “You know, Ginny…maybe it’s time to just leave that alone and move on.” My immediate response was to bristle. How dare she downplay this horrendous tragedy! She obviously “doesn’t get it” (even though she was a former psych nurse and “got it” all too well).
“No, no.” her friend said. “Let her finish. She needs to tell this story over and over until she’s too embarrassed to do so.”
That stopped me in my tracks. I think my jaw literally dropped as I mulled over her words. Nope… just like that, I was done. That story was yesterday’s news. It didn’t make me an interesting person. It made me sound like a pathetic victim. Water over the dam. After all, nothing I said or did was going to change the marital relationship. The only thing I was doing was dragging a sack of garbage around behind me and it was beginning to stink.
That was a life lesson that has served me well on many occasions, even in my grief journey. Mind you, the story of your loss will never embarrass you, nor should it. And, you need to tell it as many times as you need in order to process it. There did come a time when I stopped introducing myself to new people with, “My name is Ginny. I’m a widow.” Not that it isn’t relevant. It most certainly is. But, it’s something that happened to me. It doesn’t totally define who I am anymore. I am so much more than that now. And that is a HUGE step forward.
Every grief is different. There is no timeline…no right or wrong way to do it. It is yours, and yours alone. For me, there just came a point where I didn’t need to tell the story over and over. I got tired of being categorized as “sad” and “lonely” when that wasn’t what I was feeling anymore. Wherever you are in your journey, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. As they say…sometimes the most difficult paths lead to the most beautiful destinations…even though the journey itself is anything but beautiful.
❤️
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:31-32 NIV