“Peace Be Still - The Belonging Co”

The pain of new grief is nearly indescribable. It takes physical form in your body keeping you from drawing a deep breath or sleeping or eating. Like an amputee, you have had half of your heart removed and you don’t know how to live like that. It was brutal. Wave after wave of grief crashed over me with no time for a breath in between. I felt I would surely drown. I was numb. I couldn’t retain information. I couldn’t watch a movie or read a book.

“Lewis Cemetery”

As I’m sure you can tell, I’ve been dreading the fifth angelversary of Mr. Virgo’s death tomorrow. I’ve been really struggling the last week…to the point one of my dear friends contacted me yesterday to see how I was doing. Actually, by yesterday morning I was feeling much better, but I still felt something was missing. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Then a chain of events happened that directed my day and by last night I was lifted back up and set on solid ground. Here’s how it went down.

“Let Go of Fear”

When I was writing yesterday’s post, I was feeling so overwhelmed. I have the usual stresses of everyday life…dental work that needs to be done, taxes that need to be filed, new brakes and inspection on the truck. Then there are the dead and dying…of which there are far too many. I hadn’t been sleeping well. Mr. FixIt has been busy and tired. I had that all too familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was one crisis away from losing it altogether and I hate that. So I did what needed to be done…I had a good cry and went to church.

“Old friends”

I love the way my life has begun to set into a rhythm. Not predictable, exactly. But life…you know, cooking, cleaning, caring, sharing. It’s a sweet life. Mr. FixIt has been going to Physical Therapy three times a week since the beginning of the year and I don’t usually tag along. I stay at home and snuggle up on the couch with my lap desk and my iPad and I write. I try to imagine a life without writing every day and I simply can’t. What did I DO with all that time before I started writing? Besides working. And making jewelry in my art studio. And being a wife to Mr. Virgo. When he died, I filled in the void with words. I polished and tweaked my craft till it became an integral part of my DNA. It’s like breathing and eating. It’s something I do.

“My charm blessed by Pope John Paul”

I want to thank all of you for your prayers yesterday. I felt wrapped in love and light when it was time for the phone call with the acquisitions editor. I was well prepared beforehand. I had carefully researched the publisher. I had reviewed the two books they sent ahead of time. I spent some time in quiet meditation beforehand. And then I asked God to give me any last words before I “headed into the interview”. I believe the Bible is a living word and I often ask God to speak to me through it. I opened my Bible app and picked a “totally random” verse. This is what I got.

When I first began writing this blog…I mean, earnestly writing…I was reeling from the sudden loss of my husband. I wrote from a place of pain and my heart spilled out onto these pages with the fresh blood of grief. I was a Christian, I was “faithful”, but I did not bring God into the equation when it came to this blog. I did not want to offend anyone. I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. It had nothing whatsoever to do with being “politically correct”. It had everything to do with being respectful. There’s nothing wrong with that and it worked…until that day in church when I got a “text from God”.

Mr. FixIt and I went to a simple country funeral yesterday. My cousin’s wife lost her mom Friday after a brief but courageous fight with cancer. We went to the early service at church yesterday so we could make it to the funeral in time as it was an hour and a half away. It is a testimony to the impact of a person’s life when the line to get into the funeral stretches long outside the building.

Daffodils

I watched my husband die. It was fast. It seemed relatively painless. Not pain free, but not unbearable. He seemed to take everything in stride with a certain…resignation. Like he knew what was coming, so why fight it? Interestingly…it was like that for me too, looking back on it. I’m sure I was in shock, because every time I ever pictured what would happen if/when he died, it certainly wasn’t with me sitting on a stool in the corner of the room answering medical questions in a flat monotone. I wasn’t beating my chest or screaming or even crying. I don’t remember crying till I saw my kids.

Homemade Egg Noodles

I was so excited Thursday! I was heading out for a weekend with the Girl Campers and even got to leave a day early. I had reservations in a cabin. I was meeting old friends and new. I was pumped!

I got the truck packed, with WAY too much stuff, and headed south through a driving rain. It was only a two hour drive so no big deal. I stopped at a Walmart near my destination and bought the ingredients for beef and noodles…my contribution to Saturday’s Soup Night…our tradition. I arrived at the cabin around 3:00 in the afternoon, got everything unpacked, greeted the host, and decided to take a nap. I couldn’t seem to get warm for some reason.

“Imagine if we obsessed about the things we LOVE about ourselves.”

I’d love to have all the hours back that I obsessed about the things I didn’t like about myself. My hair. My body. My nose. My “flaws”…real or imagined. Can you imagine if we never, ever looked in the mirror and hated something we saw? Oh…what I really hate is that I put my faith in someone who judged me by my appearance. I really hate that I saw my self-worth through someone else’s lens. For…far…too…long.