Life flip flops on a dime sometimes. I was SO dreading my friend Bill's funeral yesterday. For one thing, I have only attended one funeral since Mr. Virgo died and that wasn't someone I even new, actually. I went in support of the parents. Bill's funeral meant looking at his wife and remembering. Bill's funeral hit close to my heart.
We all suffer losses in life. Usually, our first experience with death, aside from a goldfish or the family dog, is a grandparent. They're older. It's the natural progression of things. I lost my first relative that ripped my heart out when my maternal grandfather died of his fifth or sixth heart attack. It was 28 years before I lost the next one when my maternal grandmother died of a stroke. Four years later I lost my mom, a year later my sweet Uncle Bob. Nine years later, I buried my husband. These were the heartbreakers.
I have something really, really remarkable to share with you. Back in November, I shared a photo with you if the crepey "old lady" skin on my arm. I was laying in bed and held my arm up and was SO disheartened at what I saw. Then in February, I tipped the scale at over 200 pounds. My diet was horrible. I was eating tons of sweets, fried foods, fast foods, and processed stuff Trainer Paul refers to as Frankenfood.
I quickly texted my nephew and arranged to meet him for dinner. This is my sweet boy that I grabbed from his mama and set off for the store the moment I got my hands on him. This is the boy with the big eyes and the red corduroy blankie that greeted me the morning his baby sister was being born and we hardly knew each other. This is the little guy I slid down hills with on cardboard. The one who honored me with a speaking part in his Bar Mitzvot. The one who hugged me in front of his friends when he graduated high school. The one who still calls me Aunt Ginny. I didn't get to go to his college graduation, but I knew we would catch up when I got here. And, in keeping with my new rules, we have experiences instead of giving stuff. So, last night we sat for three hours over dinner and talked...as adults. It was really our first time to do that.
A lot can be learned over a stack of pancakes when you're enjoying them with a nine-year-old. For instance, she is very proud of the fact she is overcoming a learning disability and succeeding in school. She loves math and reading and writes stories. She tells me she's a "maker", just like me. This one is like me in so many ways. Demonstrative, emotional, tender hearted, and oh so funny.
A special man died yesterday. I won't identify him by name because he and his wife have been involved in missionary work in extremely dangerous parts of the world. Yesterday, he and his wife were hiking when he fell and hit his head. We know no other details at this time...only that he has died. I'll call him JD, for John Doe.
My older granddaughter has her eyes on a prize. She wants to be in the 2020 Olympics in Tokyo on the US Swim Team. She is a strong, devoted, driven young woman who works as hard academically as she does athletically. She does much better in any situation when she can see it ahead of time. Then she can visualize as she works it out.
A dear friend sent me a message yesterday in reference to the Roller Coaster post. She has studied Ayurveda, a 5,000 year old system of medical care with roots in India. It is based on maintaining balance between body, mind, and spirit. According to the Chopra Center, "Recognizing that human beings are part of nature, Ayurveda describes three fundamental energies that govern our inner and outer environments: movement, transformation, and structure. Known in Sanskrit as Vata (Wind), Pitta (Fire), and Kapha (Earth), these primary forces are responsible for the characteristics of our mind and body." If one or more of these energies get out of balance, it can be a huge instigator of anxiety. With travel, heat, altitude, emotional upheaval surrounding illness in the family and missing my man...it's no wonder I felt ungrounded.
A day full of self-care is all it takes to make the difference between a roller coaster spinning out of control and smooth sailing. First, thank you for all your words of encouragement yesterday. They help more than you know. I do have to remind myself that it's just been three years. I'm still actively grieving. And, as my sweet friend Jamie points out to me...no amount of busy distraction and exercise can keep me from the work at hand.
This photo makes me ill when I think of the grief version. I've been riding this thing for over a week. I'm trying to get a handle on why this time is harder and I think I pretty much have it figured out. First is this wicked heat and altitude. Second is trying to stay hydrated. Those things bring down my defenses. Then....I'm in Colorado. Mr. Virgo is around every corner here.