I sit out on the deck and stare at this river...a lot. It's got good energy. It's my meditation. It has become my refuge, my cathedral, my heart. Sometimes I work on stuff in my head. Sometimes I write these blog posts because I feel inspired by the beauty. But most times I just reflect. Like the mirror image of the far banks, I look at the scrapbooks of my life. I can leave the bad parts alone. I can stay in the pleasant parts as long as I want. It's soothing. It's healing. It is life.

I spent countless years and a number of relationships trying to find my dad's love and approval. When I couldn't get it from him, I tried to get it from other men. I'll never forget my therapist pointing out it was futile to have a different history with my dad than the one I actually had. I have been told by others how my dad spoke so glowingly of me. I saw how the congregation packed into the church for his funeral and sang his praises of being such a good man. I wish I could have known that guy because that's not the guy I grew up with. It wasn't for my lack of trying. He just couldn't be who I wanted (and needed) him to be. Neither could my first two husbands. Then Mr. Virgo came along. He gave me everything I needed and then some. It took awhile, but finally my fear of abandonment and my need for approval subsided.

Have you read this book by Don Miguel Ruiz? I first read The Four Agreements when I was separated from my second husband. I gave it to him to read and I think it helped us get through the process in as loving a manner as was possible at the time. It is based on Ancient Toltec wisdom. The Toltecs were the predecessors of the Aztecs. Basically, it works on the premise that our entire belief system is based on the agreements we make...with ourselves, with each other, and with the universe. We've been making agreements since the day we were born and all those agreements can sure muddy up the waters. Don Miguel Ruiz distills everything down to a way we can simplify our lives by working on four basic agreements...a sort of psychological roadmap, as it were.

"Houston, we've had a problem here." When Jack Swigert radioed this message to Ground Control, he and his fellow astronauts must have felt completely out of control. Fortunately for them, there was a whole team of engineers back home who worked feverishly to jury rig a solution before the space capsule ran out of oxygen.

Control is just an illusion for the most part. I mean, we can control our behaviors, our choices, maybe parts of our environment. There ARE areas of life where we can exert some control. But most of the time we are at the mercy of circumstance. So, what is this issue of control so many of us have? Just Friday I had nuclear meltdown over going out on the boat and not "having control of my environment". And yesterday? Well, I spent six hours out on that same boat with those same people and I was perfectly fine. What was the difference? I was the same person yesterday as I was Friday. The difference was relaxation, positive self-talk, and understanding friends who supported me by reassuring me if there were any need whatsoever, they could easily pull to shore. It's not like we were going to be out in the middle of the ocean, after all. I had a glorious day watching the sternwheel races then dancing for two hours, on said boat, as we sat alongside the barge housing the stage for a great band. Afterwards, we went upriver to see the locks so they could show me how they work.

I know what I need to do. I KNOW I need to get back on the horse. But, I also know that's where the work gets done so I have a tendency to keep my head low and my powder dry. I have to come out of hiding eventually though, because I am not buying real estate here in the nether regions. I sometimes have to force myself. I know instinctively when the time is right. Last night was the right time. I went out with friends to the Sternwheel Festival for BBQ on the banks of the Ohio and saw the best fireworks display ever. That is a waterfall of fireworks coming off the bridge in this picture. It was stunning!

I've always told you I would be brutally honest about this roller coaster ride from hell. While I would love to tell you an uplifting story today with a good moral at the end, I can't sit here and blow sunshine up your skirt. This hasn't been a great few days. A lot has come into play...9/11, missing my CO family (why can't we just combine the two states???), trailer lag, new time zone, coming down off my travel high, and Mr. Virgo's birthday. His 65th. That was big. Well, it was GOING to be big. I mean, I'm ok...really. But, dammit...this sucks. This sucks in a big way. This sucks and sucks and sucks sometimes. I haven't gotten around to seeing everyone since I got back and I feel bad about that. A friend and her family went out on the boat yesterday and I was SO looking forward to it but when it came time to go I got anxious and fretful and freaked out at not "being in control of my surroundings" and backed out at the last second. Then I spent the next two hours looking at the pictures they were posting and kicking myself for not going and berating myself.

Like most people, I know exactly where I was the day the world stopped turning. I was waiting for a friend in the local bakery. She walked in and said, "Did you hear something about a plane hitting one of the buildings of the World Trade Center?" We knew nothing more and chalked it up to rookie pilot error with a small plane and set to visiting. Then more and more people came in with news. We turned on the radio and as details began to reveal the seriousness of the situation, we went our separate ways. I went straight to a friend's house and we watched together, holding onto each other with one hand...the other clasped over our mouths to stifle the screams.

I wasn't in Colorado 15 minutes this summer till my oldest said, "When are you going to quit this ____ and come home and get a job?" Sigh. She's young. She doesn't get it. And, she misses me. She worries about me. She hates that I'm missing so much of my grandchildren's lives. I understand. I miss them, too. And, truth be told, it's a little harder being away from them after spending so much time with them this summer. Part of that is travel-lag. I've been laying really low the last couple of days resting up. I'll be getting busier soon. The Sternwheeler Festival is this weekend. Country Living Fair is next weekend. I will probably go visit family the weekend after that and the first week of October is the Myrtle Beach trip. I have an appointment to get the truck checked. Another for some work on the trailer. So it's going to be busy again soon. Laying low is a good thing.

I had an interesting thing happen. When I was in Deadwood, I got to see and visit with a Sister/friend from Mississippi. Sue is an author who pens romantic mysteries and books about the supernatural. I first met her in Estes Park two years ago at a Sisters on the Fly event. She took us on a ghost tour/investigation of the Historic Stanley Hotel which was really cool. Sue is a hoot and a half and I was thrilled when she took a couple days away from her writing (even though she is pushing a deadline) to join us.

It's still the dog days of summer, even though we are a quarter of the way through September already. Along with the slow, lazy days comes a slow, lazy river and that creates the ideal environment for an overgrowth of algae. I took this photo yesterday morning as I sat out on the deck with my coffee. I ran it through a filter to enhance the color so it doesn't look like this to the naked eye. The enhancement clearly brings out the glow of the blue green algae that is hanging around. While it's kinda cool looking, unfortunately it gives off a toxin that is harmful to pets and livestock and can make humans really sick. They are cautioning people to stay out and avoid drinking the river water. I mean, seriously...are there a bunch of people out there actually drinking water straight from the Ohio River??? Blech!