Christmas was big in our house. Mr. Virgo listened…to every little gasp at something beautiful that caught my eye. To every little "Darn it…I wish I had _, it would make this job so much easier." To every shiver in the cold or gaze through a shop window…he listened, and watched, and waited. He hid things…in his sock drawer, in his briefcase, in his cowboy boot on the back of the top shelf. Boxes arrived and I was forbidden entry to his closet for a month. He listened…and he planned…and he schemed. And when the time came to open presents, he sat with eager anticipation…not for what HE was going to get. No…he wanted to see the look on my face when I opened…the…perfect…present. He never disappointed. Well, ok…there WAS the year he gave me a flintlock rifle because he thought it would look good hanging over the TV, but I've long since forgiven him for that. ;-) He spoiled me rotten. He indulged me. And I miss that. Not the "stuff". I mean, if I really wanted something, I would find a way to get it. That's not the issue. I miss the production, the anticipation, the execution of the surprise. I miss the attention. I miss the love.

One year ago today, I was sitting in my house with a huge gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be. I knew instinctively that it wasn't a good idea for me to wallow around in my bedroom all day and it took every ounce of strength I had to get out of bed, get dressed, and head to the mall. It was there that I ran into you and wrote the following post.

This is a gingerbread house. It's on display at a local historic hotel. It is fashioned after a real life Victorian in town.

My cousins were at the hotel the other night and met the owners of the real life house. They hit it off and have been invited to go tour the house today. And I get to go. Because…

This is the last picture taken of Mr. Virgo. It was Christmas morning 2012. Eleven weeks later, he was gone. This was the first Christmas he had off in 40 years. It was as if God was saying, "He won't be here next year so I'll give you this one together." It was a beautiful day. One that will remain in my heart forever.

Oh, how Mr. Virgo loved Christmas! We always decorated the tree right after Thanksgiving. We watched "White Christmas" while we trimmed the tree with such an eclectic mix of ornaments. I have those wonderful Shiny Bright ornaments from my childhood. There are dozens of beautiful handmade ornaments from my friend Judy's carefully planned and executed exchange parties. I have one from the Hotel Jerome and another from The Ritz Carlton…both gifts from Mr. Virgo. And I have the ornaments we bought on our annual trips…usually to Estes Park. We always bought a hand painted glass ornament by Ne'Qwa. They're all boxed up this year, up in the cellar house on the farm. I won't have a tree. My camper is small and not warm enough anyway to sit out there and enjoy it. My aunt has her ceramic tree in the front window of the house and that suits her. I do have a lovely pre-lit garland that I'm going to hang up. I'm enjoying everyone else's trees, though. Everywhere I've been visiting has had a lovely tree and I get to hear about this ornament and that tradition. Much has changed in my life…this is just one more thing.

The holidays are rich with traditions and memories. When we have suffered a loss, the first major holiday is the worst. My friend and I were discussing this over dinner last night. They lost her father-in-law in September. She had tried to explain to her husband what this loss would feel like and he "understood". He totally "got" that it was going to be painful but "at least he wasn't going to suffer anymore". Then his dad died. And he was at a total loss. He couldn't understand why seeing candy corn at Halloween reduced him to tears in the grocery store.

It's time to head back to the farm. I've been in Colorado the last 12 days. I had a wonderful trip and crammed a lot into a short period of time. I checked into staying longer but the change fee and increase in tickets cost as much as the original ticket did. I would prefer to save my money and come back on a separate trip.

I found the spark in my heart and gently blew the embers back to flame.

Baking all day with my family yesterday was just what the doctor ordered! I got up and went to church, which I sorely needed. Then came back and started baking. Twenty dozen cookies, three trays of butter mints, a batch of Chocolate No Bakes, a batch of Rolo Pretzel cookies, a batch of Cherry Mash, a double batch of Jello Jigglers, and about five dozen "dipped treats" such as pretzels and Oreos and candy canes dipped in white chocolate! All in six hours and we only over cooked one tray of cookies. Three bakers, one stove, and two very cute little taste testers. My heart is as full as my tummy!

Just as the lows strike you down, the rebound comes on it's heels and lifts you back up. But you still feel the bruises. You breathe in and out just as before. Your heart beats. You get up and put your feet to the floor. And even though you don't feel it, you've taken a tiny step forward on your journey. Growth hurts sometimes. Making the decision to move forward after the rough spots takes a great deal of courage. Speaking your truth to those around you can be extremely difficult because you just can't handle one more bit of drama and you especially don't want to hurt anyone. So you do your best, you get some sleep, and you pour another cup of coffee in the morning. One step, two steps, three…eventually it'll be automatic. Eventually it gets better.

I'd like to stop this roller coaster and get off now. It's making me want to throw up. I had a lovely day in Aspen yesterday. Then dinner out at a nice restaurant. I don't know WHAT I was thinking. I mean, this was the restaurant Mr. Virgo and I got married in! I should have said something when my friend suggested it. But I thought I could handle it. Yeah…not no much. They sat me where I could see the table we sat at during the reception. I could barely eat. I made it to the car before I cried. I was going to stay over at another friend's house but when I couldn't reach her, I just went back to Denver. Sometimes retreat is the best form of self care.