One of the biggest challenges I have in dealing with…well, anything really…is stopping to breathe before I react. I've always been a reactionary. I don't jump to conclusions nearly as much and I'm better at holding my tongue than I used to be, yet I still find myself letting my thoughts spin out of control. I get way ahead of where I'm actually standing in a vain attempt to control the outcome. This control issue stems from being the child of an alcoholic parent…where the simplest of situations can quickly go south and get out of hand. Holding yourself in the rigid stance of hyper-vigilance creates long term physical and emotional side effects. When I find my jaw is aching because I have my teeth clenched, it's time to open up and speak my truth with someone about a subject I may be avoiding. When my breathing is shallow and my chest is tight, it's time to breathe deep and relax…let myself break the resistance. When my muscles are bound in knots and my joints ache, I need to explore what is keeping me from moving forward. When I stop struggling, I float. It's the law. This is exactly what happened night before last when I was in the throes of anxiety. I changed my location (I went to my camper), and I stopped to catch my breath, let go, and relax back into the current of life. That's when I began to float and my anxiety dissipated. This is an ongoing challenge for me. But I'm learning. Let go. Let go. Let go.
Remember when you and I first started this journey? I told you I would speak from my heart. I would speak my truth as it is in the moment. I would tell you what it's like to walk this path and I told you that sometimes it wouldn't be pretty. Remember that? Well, I'm writing this at midnight and tonight is one of those nights that's just not pretty.
I was washing dishes the other day and noticed I have one more week before my temporary plates expire on the camper. They expire a week later on the truck. So, not being one to wait till the last minute, I headed off to the county seat where I live. Tiny town. No luck. You can renew tags and licenses there, but if it's a new vehicle, you have to go to the "big city". Ok, no problem. I drove through the snow. (What? Why didn't I go last week when it was 70 degrees? Ummmmm….I give up. Why didn't I?) I stood in line. I got out my license, my insurance cards, and my titles.
Ok, true confession? I ate a squirrel and I liked it! Actually, I've eaten lots of squirrels. When I was growing up, shooting a squirrel and eating it was no different than catching a fish and eating it. Squirrel season is one of the longest game seasons and the one where many aspiring hunters get their start as a youth. I SO wanted to go squirrel hunting when I was a kid but I wasn't allowed because…I was a girl! Girls didn't hunt. It meant they'd have to handle a G-U-N and God forbid…that wasn't acceptable in my family. I did get to shoot a .22 at tin cans as a teenager but no hunting.
We're heading into the holidays and that's touchy territory for those who have suffered the loss of a loved one. Thankfully, I don't remember much about the first holiday season after losing Mr. Virgo. There is something to be said for the protective fog of acute grief. I wrote a blog post last Christmas about Santa Claus that still rips my heart out when I read it. It's hard to say what this Christmas will hold for me. I am blessed that I'll be heading to Colorado the first week of December and I can visit family and dear friends for a couple of weeks. That will break up the time and give me something to look forward to. Keeping busy is key for me. Too much time gets me inside my head.
I've been going to the little church down the road. You don't need to see a picture of it....you've seen a hundred pictures of it. You know the one....little, white, one room, TALL windows, double doors up front, and a steeple with a bell. Some of my fondest memories growing up are wrapped up in this church. "Aunt Idy" was my grandma's very good friend and she played the piano. Her name was Ida Mae...a spinster who lived down the road in a house so crooked you could throw a jar of marbles in the front door and they'd run out the back! There used to be a lot more people attending this little church when I was growing up but they've mostly died off or moved on to find work elsewhere. My Pop-Pop and his brother, Uncle Red, took turns leading services as we only had a circuit preacher who came every six weeks or so. One of my mom's cousins always led Sunday School. And my mom's brother, my Uncle Bob, rang the bell when it was time to start the service. He took that job very, very seriously.
I am not one to tear down a company on my page as I don’t feel this is an appropriate venue for that. But I can tell you my story surrounding my experience with a national security company and how it affected me as a consumer and a widow.
A year ago, I was heading into my first winter without Mr. Virgo. One Saturday, a lovely little gal came to my door selling security systems. The month before, a young man had come and I was totally put off by his smarmy approach, but this little gal was warm and caring. She found out I am a widow and she used this to her advantage as a sales tactic. She kept saying things like “Well, it’s really dark up here on this hill. I’ll bet you would feel much safer being up here alone if you have a security system installed.” I don’t feel bad about saying I fell for it, because those of you who are widowed will understand how easy it is to be manipulated and taken advantage of when you are grieving. I will have to say, this company offers a superior product and the service itself is not necessarily overly expensive. I went with the smart home package because I could operate the system from my phone and the electronic, programmable thermostat did indeed save me at least $20-25 per month on my utility bill. This, in addition to the insurance discount for having a security system, cut my actual out of pocket expenses in half. My problems started when I decided to sell my house.
We had our first flakes of snow yesterday. I have been here nearly a month and have spent a good deal of time winterizing the farm but I can’t say I’m excited about snow coming. Last night gave me a taste of what winter might hold. The power started going off and on at dusk. Finally at around 6:00, my second cousin up the road called to say the power company was at her farm and were preparing to go back up on the hill to fix the line and were preparing to turn off the electric. She wanted to make sure we had our flashlights at hand. The thing about losing electric in the country is…it could be an hour or all night or next week before power is restored. It’s just part of rural living.
The switch is just beneath the surface. Say the wrong thing…hear the wrong song…and it doesn’t matter where you are, the tears can come unbidden. The other night my friend and I were chatting and got a little too close to her switch. She had to excuse herself. I felt bad because it was during our conversation, but it wasn’t my fault. It’s nobody’s fault when the tears of grief come. They just come. They are as easily triggered by a dog food commercial as they are by finding a love letter. There’s no rhyme or reason. And it doesn’t matter where you are either. Tears come in the shower, driving, seeing a sunset, or….walking down an aisle at the hardware store. The hardware store? Yes.
Look what came in the mail! Oh, my gosh…is this the cutest thing or what? Thank you, thank you, thank you Miss Vicky. You are the awesomest. Yesterday was the “Remembrance Day” for Vicky’s husband. He died 11/11 at 11am. She is a dear friend and my heart was so sad for her. RIP Rob… <3
I’m another step closer to making my jewelry again. Some of you may not know my storage unit in Colorado was robbed before I moved here and my entire art studio and two footlockers full of power tools were stolen. I still have to settle with the insurance company but I needed to replace the main items so I could get some jewelry made. So, I went to Lowe’s to get what I need. I taught myself to make jewelry out of old silverware by trial and error. I came to find out there were easier ways of doing some things, but I couldn’t justify buying different tools. Since this is “starting out fresh”, I bought the perfect tools that will make my life easier. Can’t wait to get a studio set up and get to work!
“Be careful with Home Security companies.”
“Me with a little barn kitten.”
“The grief switch is just beneath the surface.”