When I think of all the things that are going on all over this planet, my problems seem pretty small in comparison. It’s all a matter of perspective.
I come from a long line of “worrywarts”…my mom was the Queen of Worrisome Thoughts. We would accuse her of going to bed at night just to think up stuff to worry about the next day. Ahhh, she taught me well. Unfortunately. Worrying creates physical and emotional symptoms which are included under the blanket term…anxiety. If you are a worrier…just try to stop. I dare ya. Because…you don’t just stop that. Especially when it is a life long, ground in, baseline behavior.
We’ve had to divide up the family parties since covid. One faction believes in vaccines and the other does not. It’s not a problem in the summer so much because we can gather outside, but during the winter when we can’t do that, we have to take everyone’s choices into consideration and make the necessary adjustments to holiday festivities.
I did what I promised myself I would do yesterday. I got up and fixed breakfast. We opened our little gifts to each other. I got Mr. FixIt a reaching tool with a magnet and a light on one end so he can pick things up off the ground when he’s working. I also got him a movie that he mentioned he liked…”Secondhand Lions”. He bought me a sturdy camping table and a beautiful pale pink cashmere sweater. I think he spoiled me. We both loved our gifts. We have to count the new camper, the cell phones, and a new set of pots and pans that were purchased in the months leading up to the holidays. That’s why we went slim on the gifting.
My day didn’t start out as I’d hoped for Christmas Eve. I didn’t sleep well and ended up moving to the guest room so I didn’t keep Mr. FixIt awake all night, too. No need for both of us to be sleep deprived. I laid there awake for hours and…when I’m awake, the motor’s running. My brain, to be exact. When I finally would drift off to sleep, I had nightmares that superimposed Mr. Virgo’s death and Mr. FixIt. I awoke in a sweat each time only to drift off again and take up where I left off. I finally woke up for good around 10:00 and felt lousy. The last thing I wanted to do was cook scallops and lamb chops. I asked my sweetheart if he would mind holding off the celebratory Christmas Dinner till tomorrow. My husband, being the most wonderful man on the planet, rolled with the punches and was fine with that. He is so flexible and patient with me. This is the nature of PTSD and grief. Some days are good…some aren’t. Yesterday didn’t start out good.
We have a White Christmas every morning…it’s called FROST!
Remember back when I first lost Mr. Virgo and I told you I’d be talking a lot about grief and it was going to get real and it wasn’t going to be pretty? I still have readers that were with me since before he died and they can tell you…it’s often been a bumpy ride. I’ve learned a lot about grief in the last eight plus years. From my own. From yours. I know now to anticipate the waves because they can hit you hard. I’ve had a lot of waves hit me the last couple of weeks since losing my dear friend, Sparky. I’ll have more.
Lawzy me…my leggings are lying to me. They’re saying, “Go ahead…eat that cookie. We got you, boo!” I went to the doctor this week and, while I haven’t really gained anything…I sure as heck didn’t lose any. So, I’ll take that as a win, considering what we’ve been through the last couple of years. It’s a wonder I’m not bigger than the broad side of a barn! I baked dozens of Chocolate Chip Cookies yesterday. We like to give cookies to the neighbor children so I’ve been having fun in the kitchen. Unfortunately, I’ve been my own taste tester, too.
The only real celebration I observe for the Winter Solstice is letting out a huge sigh of relief. The days will start getting longer now…by imperceptible increments…until some day a few weeks from now we’ll notice it’s not dark all the time. I am a craver of light. My father walked along behind me turning off the lights in the house. I wanted MORE lights! My former husbands did the same thing. When I finally bought my own home after Hubby #2 and I split up, I didn’t put one curtain up…much to my neighbors chagrin, I imagine. I just couldn’t stand to not catch every moment of light possible. When Mr. Virgo came along, unfortunately TV and window curtains came with him. Small price to pay, but still…I hated both.
I want to start out today with a HUGE praise! Remember how we’ve been praying for my dear friend Gail’s son-in-law, Tommy? He was diagnosed with a terrible cancer that had grown so large in his chest, it very nearly killed him before he could get to the hospital. With four little ones at home, one not much more than a newborn, the terrifying journey of massive chemo began. They were so very careful of Tommy ever since because he couldn’t get the Covid vaccine. Still, a couple of weeks ago, the whole family got Covid and we prayed even harder. His chemo finally ended and he had a PET scan done. They went to Cleveland to get the results yesterday and….THE CANCER IS GONE! He has a little inflammation left from the Covid, but the cancer has been kicked to the curb. This was absolutely a Christmas Miracle!!! God is AMAZING! The family would like to thank you all for your continued prayers!
If there’s one thing I knew about my friend Sparky, it’s that she didn’t suffer a fool. She was no nonsense…honest, sometimes brutally honest. There were a couple of times she took me to task over something I wrote in my blog. When I was talking about downsizing, I was acting like I’d just discovered a new language and everyone should start speaking it. She reminded me that some people come from an abusive relationship and leave with what they can carry. She was very proud of…and attached to…the things she worked hard for as a single woman and I should acknowledge that. She’s right, of course. I just didn’t have that perspective and I appreciated her telling me her thoughts.
I had kinda forgotten what grief feels like in your body. It’s been over eight years now since I lost Mr. Virgo. I forgot the heavy sighs…that feeling like you just can’t quite take in a deep enough breath. I forgot the deep ache in my chest that physically feels like you’ve been punched in the solar plexus. I forgot how your body hurts…sort of like when you’re coming down with a bad cold.
