February is the longest month....EV-ER!!!! I swear...we’re only in the middle of it and it’s been six months long already. I don’t feel like I’ve accomplished much. But I’ve been working on my genealogy, knitting a little, keeping up with friends and family. Big had her second swim meet of the year and I got to see that remotely. Daughter #2 called with a video chat. Mundane stuff...a little boring, a lot repetitive. 

Sometimes we lose our moorings. We become untethered and bound about, endlessly bouncing from one disaster to the next...wondering if life will every slow down. Just a little. Just enough to catch our breath. We bob and weave like a buoy....broken away and tossed on the waves...no way to be saved. Or to save others.

I’ve been cut loose like that from time to time. And, in the depths of my loss, something happens that reels me back in and makes me feel calmer, more anchored. I know it’s often my own prayers that bring me back to God...to my source of peace and comfort. But, it occurred to me last night as I was meditating on this topic...sometimes it’s the prayers of others that bring us back.

One would think, after all I know about trauma and grief and PTSD, that I would know better than to watch the unfolding of the impeachment proceedings. I’m not going to get into a discussion of who is right and who is wrong. This is my page, so I have the right not to get involved in the political aspects of all of this. But, from a purely human standpoint, watching it all over again has been brutal.

First thing yesterday, I got a call to confirm Pumpkin’s visit with the vet today. I was very happy to hear I can put off that visit and they will give her a checkup and vaccinations when we take her for boarding at the Kitty Hilton in a couple of weeks. We live twenty miles out a two-lane and we are getting quite a winter storm as I write this. Friends who have police scanners are warning people to stay in because there are wrecks everywhere. It was quite a relief to know I don’t need to go anywhere when the weather is bad. That is one of the best parts of being retired...the ability to kind of pick and choose where and when I go somewhere.

I’ve been feeling a sense of loss lately and couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Although it felt familiar, it seemed like it was attached to something filed away in the deep recesses of my mind. It resembles grief, but not the deep grief I experienced losing Mr. Virgo. It’s more like the feeling I had after a different life altering event...my overdose.

Yesterday was a busy day, and one that reminds me of the power of prayer. First, I had to run into town to get my eyes tested. I have the very beginnings of cataracts...who doesn’t at this age, right? And, my prescription didn’t change but just the tiniest bit. Not enough to warrant buying new glasses, but I did order a pair of prescription bifocal sunglasses. I haven’t had a pair for ages. The last ones I had got ruined when I sprayed insect repellent or sunscreen or something on and it got on the lenses. It took the coating off and there was no way to fix them. And they were really expensive. Mr. FixIt buys his glasses from Zenni Optical online. You have to explain to your optometrist that you’re on a fixed budget and you need to have them give you your prescription and measure the pupil distance. Then you can order online and it’s a lot cheaper.

Super Bowl Sunday was decidedly different this year. We always have the whole family over and I make trays and trays of wings and finger foods. We have that great queso cheese in the slow cooker and spinach artichoke dip. Crudités and chips for dipping. This year featured me and Mr. FixIt and leftover roast chicken sandwiches. Quiet and a little lonely. I sure miss the kids, but there’s light at the end of the tunnel. The second dose of the covid vaccine comes soon, then I feel like we can breathe a little easier.

Do you remember the movie “Doctor Doolittle”? There was a two-headed llama called a PushMe-PullYou. I always got a kick out of it because...being a Gemini...I could really relate. I’m always going in at LEAST two different directions...often times more. That has become decidedly more difficult since I am “of a certain age” now. But it is complicated by one of the nasty symptoms of my hyperparathyroidism. 

The last few days, we’ve been talking about feeling stretched thin, feeling frayed and frazzled, overwhelmed with the nature of the world we find ourselves currently living in. Changes have been thrust upon us and not all of us accommodate as easily as others. I am sure we would be hard pressed to find someone who has not been affected in some negative way by the events of the last year. 

I chat every night with one of the dearest people in my life. Sue always has a supportive word, a kind thought, a golden nugget of wisdom to share with me. I didn’t grow up with a sister. One of my lifelong friends is my baby sister. Sue is the older sister I didn’t get to have and I love her dearly. I’ve been sharing with her of late....a bone weariness of the things that have been thrown at us for far too long.