I ran an errand yesterday morning. I didn’t have much of an appetite. I had my coffee. I snapped the picture of the odometer to show you how much I drove in one week. The cloud cover was grey and threatened thunderstorms all day. And soon…my mood matched the grey skies and I retreated to TOW-Wanda to figure out what was going on. First off…I’m flat out exhausted. Pulling this big of a camper is harder than pulling little TOW-Wanda. I’m more convinced than ever that she’s going south to storage and be used as our winter refuge as snowbirds. Second…much as I was hoping not to, the altitude is still an adjustment. I’m just smart enough this time not to go higher and exercise till I acclimate. Third…I’m still healing from my concussion. Fourth…I did not eat right as I traveled. Fifth…I miss Mr. FixIt and he won’t be here till next week. And Sixth….ahhhhh, Sixth. Grief caught up with me yesterday…not only by my surroundings, but also by these damn Facebook Memories. Damn. Damn, damn, damn. I know I tell you often…”You don’t ‘get over’ grief…you get through it”. And yes…that is SO true. And maybe if the first five things weren’t in play, and if FB hadn’t decided to smack me up the side of the head with pictures of Mr. Virgo’s grave, it wouldn’t have hit me so hard. But, they were there, and I am here. Colorado. This is where Mr. Virgo “lives”. Well, the memories of him. They are strong…and yesterday, I was weak.
I had a massage scheduled with my daughter. As nice as that sounds…I couldn’t do it. I didn’t have it in me. All I wanted was a popsicle and Mr. FixIt. And, as much as I miss him….I was actually glad he wasn’t here yesterday. I will not use him as a pacifier for grief. That is a road that, while comforting to know I have someone who has my back, is best navigated alone…at least for a time. Till I get it together. Twenty-four hours…thirty-six tops. I mattress surfed. I read. I played games on my phone to keep my mind moving. Amazingly, I didn’t cry. I talked it out with Mr. FixIt and with my family who love me more than anything. And I practiced self care. Self soothing.
Knowing how to navigate these waves is the gift I received from having been down this particular road so many times over the last four years. Knowing the waves aren’t as high, they don’t hit quite as hard, and they don’t last quite as long…those are the gems God threw down in the flames along this fiery path and that I obediently picked up…whether I understood their importance at the time or not. Today is another day. And if I’m not tip-top…there’s tomorrow. It’s the nature of grief. It’s not even about Mr. Virgo himself, really. I’ve reconciled myself to the loss. No, this is like an echo of pain and memory that opens a door in your heart…for just a few moments. Just long enough to let pain leak out and spill on the scars like a wash of acid. So, you retreat and set about scrubbing up the mess. You don’t stuff it back in the hole. That makes it worse the next time. Instead, you sit with it. Roll it around between your fingers till it turns to dust, then you sweep it away and quietly close the door. Till the next time. ❤️
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”
Isaiah 43:2 NIV
This is one of my church sister’s favorite verses. It comforted her when her son was going thru a messy divorce. We might have to “go thru” the waters and fire of grief, but we know that He is always there for us if we will just call on Him. Nothing wrong with a few hours to chill and get your umph back!
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Thinking of you. Prayers for a happier day today. ?
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I’m new on my grief journey…since May 19th. I don’t like my new “normal” life….it’s too hard. Some days I can talk about him, but some days just the mention of his name sends me into a crying time. I know it will get easier…I’m just taking it one day at a time and being thankful for my family and friends who walk with me through this. My grandson is my rock…he knows just when I need a hug. Prayers for you,Ginny.
Oh, Janet…it’s still so new. I remember bits and pieces of that first year. You’re so numb…God’s way of protecting us a little bit. Get as much rest as you can. Grieve as you need to. Cry whenever you can. Eat right. Avoid numbing yourself with alcohol and drugs. Watch your money carefully…it will slip through your fingers quickly. Keep a list of names and. Umbria of this people who said they would be there for you. Rotate who you call so it’s. It the same one. Grief is hard work for everyone, the bereaved as well as the supportive ones. Find something joyful to put in front of you that you can look forward to. For me, it was a little camper and Sisters on the Fly. Move towards that goal. When you need to mattress surf, do so but don’t allow it to go on and on. Get up and get dressed and make your bed. If you only make it to the couch, you’ve made progress.
Those are my standard helpful hints. Grief has no rule book. You just do the best you can and if something doesn’t work, try something else. As impossible as it seems, there will be better days ahead dear one. Keep
Moving forward. ❤️
I made the thousand mile trip to the Wheeling, West Virginia area from Brewton, Ala. We , my son Kevin,Tiger the dog, and me, made the trip fine except for going through Birmingham, Ala. we both cried. That’s where Ken passed and you can see the building from the interstate. This is the first time we’ve been near the area. I’ve been here almost a week. I’ve been staying at my 97 Year old Mother’s house helping her. This the first time I’ve been here since his passing in October. This is where all of our “firsts” were. First meeting, first date, eventually getting married. For foty years , this is where we came for summer vacations. I went to church Sunday, well at least I made it out in one piece ,but not unscared. Today I’m getting up with his sister, who lives in the family house. Not looking forward to going. I do enjoy being with her, though. She lost her only sibling. Well, we’ll see how this goes.
My heart is with you, dear one. Those firsts are killer but each passing moment brings us closer to relief from the heavy burden of grief. Thank you for sharing and I applaud your bravery! ❤️
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Thanks, I needed to hear this about grief.
I noticed your gas mileage…..perhaps I will rethink getting a trailer and go to small motor home ….the Mercedes diesel is supposed to be a great little ” airstream” travel unit……I’m investigating….
I draw strength from your blog to go forward on my own and travel around …….again thank you for you honest to goodness blogging!
Gini from Georgia
So, so grateful that you are constantly reminding me how to navigate this “grief journey” – love that thought that we get “through”! Blessings and appreciation to you for sharing your honest heart.
While I love that Bible verse, when I am going through something hard, I also often think of the words of Winston Churchill….”When you are going through hell, keep going”. Which to me means, don’t get stuck in the bad time, keep moving forward…as you have so bravely done.
You also need rest. That’s a LOT of travel in a short time and a lot of emotional connections good and bad to a place you are returning to. Again, you wisely know that is happening to you.
I hope you feel better today after some resting and have a wonderful visit with your family:)
Thank you for sharing your journey. I am amazed at how similar the grief journey is. The unexpected triggers that stop me in my tracks and usually last about 36 hours. I totally understand.
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I hope by the time you read all of our posts, you’ll be feeling much better. On the altitude subject…. when my daughter Sue and I went out to Utah to visit my granddaughter a few years ago, she told us to drink plenty of water and that would help and it really did.
I know what you’re going through because I too will be going along doing really good and just like that BAM a memory of my Hubble or my daughter will surface and it starts all over again. More often than not now tho, it’s my daughter whom I’m grieving for. But still have some bad days messing Nick, even tho it’s been 5 1/2 years. Of course my daughters passing has only been 5 months.
Enjoy your time with your family and with Mr. fixit when he gets there.
As a suicide loss soul…I can totally understand your grief as well. It never goes away ….for a purpose.
Take care Jenny.
My heart is with you, dear one. I cannot imagine. ❤️
You inspire me so much I read your blog everyday. I am 3 years into my grief journey. I started my own business after my husband died and has expanded beyond my dreams. I also have 4 children. Because of your inspiration, I have taken my first vacation by myself. I picked a place I have never been. I am having the best time. Although I do miss my Hank, I know he is with me everyday. Thank you for your inspiration. You are a wonderful.
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This year seems to have been nothing but grief and heartache. My beautiful, wonderful boss died suddenly, which lead to me losing my job, then 4 weeks later my dad died, then my son deployed to Afghanistan, then our dearest camping buddy (just turned 60) had a heart attack and is in a coma on life support, and now my mother is ill and needing almost 24/7 care for the past 6 weeks! When does it all end? I’m beat….On our last camping trip with our dearest buddy, I learned how to Zentangle! I’m not even close to having artistic talent, but this form of art is meant for dealing with stress, depression, grief and worrying. It’s a great form of relief that requires very little supplies. Google it and see what you think! I’m hooked! It’s an amazing activity to do while camping, waiting somewhere, and especially when I’m sitting with my 80 yr. old mom. Mom is not able to participate, but she sure loves asking me about my tangles and loves seeing my work. It’s nice to see her excited about something. Just wanted to share this wonderful little hobby that is getting me thru some rough times. Maybe it will provide some respite for someone here. 🙂
What a wonderful suggestion, Dee Ann! I have a friend who Zentangles. I love the creativity that comes through. I’ll have to give it a shot! ❤️
Ginny, may I tell those grieving a mate that WIDOWEDVILLAGE(dot)ORG is a wonderful online support group, and has regional groups for widowed folk of all persuations and loss situations (suicide, accident, long term illness, etc) for discussion, blogging, 24/7 live chat, and even Camp Widow (hotels) on both coasts which are full of useful seminars and kindred spirits. I fully believe those kindred spirits, who are walking the same road, are more helpful than any counseling in this world. Started by and staffed by widowed folk; non-profit and very confidential. Thanks Ginny. My “death-date” is coming up and I’m dreading the waves, but at 8 years, they are getting easier, because I know I pop out the other side. HUGS!
btw: I think you’d make great speaker at Camp Widow!!
Love you, Ginny! Rest sweet friend. ?
I so get you! I just got remarried but the grief is still there & every once in a while a memory will pop up & hit me up the side of the head. But I know he is happy for me. So happy for you & your Mr. Fix It!