I follow an author on Twitter that had a list of descriptive words for feelings. I came across saudade. Three syllables. Soh-DAH-deh. It’s from Portuguese Folklore meaning an intensely strong yearning for someone who is no longer with you. Saudade. I’ve never found a more accurate word to describe what goes on in my heart some days. It even sounds appropriate.

Most days I’m fine. The beast remains tamed…mollified with promises that we’ll revisit this whole thing like Adelle in “Hello”….later, later. Compartmentalized. Then, along comes something…anything, nothing, doesn’t matter…along comes this thing and the Gatekeeper starts rummaging through his key ring to open the lock on my heart. I hear him coming, his footsteps echoing down the long corridors of my mind and I moan somewhere deep within. Because I know what’s going to happen when he gets where he’s going. Saudade.

The Gatekeeper came yesterday. I had just finished writing a post for the Sisters on the Fly Blog. I set my laptop aside, leaned back in the chair, closed my eyes and listened to the sounds of a stiff rain mixed with the soothing meditation music I listen to when I write. The phone interrupted my reverie a few minutes later. It was my daughter. My baby. There was a breathless excitement in her voice. She is engaged!

Saudade. The Gatekeeper came creeping in on Doc Martins…crushing grit between his soles and the doorstep to my heart. Mr. Virgo would have loved this. He would have held my hand while I heard the news. He would have taken the phone and said, “Congratulations, baby doll!” He would have started planning the wedding in his head, because that’s what he did for a living. It’s hard when the happy family events occur and he’s not here with me.

I let the Gatekeeper have his way with me. And it wasn’t so bad. I’ve certainly felt worse at his hand. After talking with them, telling them how much I love them, listening to the details of just how the proposal went down, hearing the love in their voices….we rang off and I sat there, alone. Saudade. Saudade. Thank you, Lord. Saudade.

❤️

“Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court.”

Psalm 127:3-5 NIV