I’ve been in therapy a few times over the years to help me deal with some of the more difficult struggles in life. It’s nothing I am ashamed of. As a matter of fact, I’m convinced I am sitting here writing to you from my snuggly camper simply because I chose vulnerability over pain. 

It’s not easy to open yourself up and dig deep inside. You find things lurking in there you forgot you ever experienced. From memories of early childhood sexual abuse to an emotionally abusive alcoholic father to the many men I went through trying to find my father’s love, I stuffed a whole lot of garbage down a drain. But, like all drains…eventually that thing is going to back up on you and it ain’t gonna be pretty.

I’ve struggled to understand my emotions all my life. Being vulnerable here has been one of the scariest yet most liberating things I’ve ever done. One of the hardest, sharpest, deepest, most painful, terribly destructive emotions I’ve ever dealt with was shame. My father’s MO was blame and shame. I can still see him standing in front of me with his disapproving glare. He had a thumb that clicked when he moved it. He would flex it so I would be sure to notice his fist was clenched.

Mr. FixIt had to go to town yesterday so after I did some spring cleaning, I browsed through YouTube videos as I knitted. I stumbled upon a TED talk Brené Brown did after her breakthrough/breakdown/spiritual awakening where she talks about shame. Whenever I sit down to watch something like this, I automatically take a physical and emotional inventory. It comes from having so much therapy…this self awareness. It helps me untangle what is going on when I work on something.

As soon as Brené said the word “shame” I felt my gut tighten. I could feel the word in my chest.  Stabbing, unwelcome emotions perked up their pointy little ears and sat at attention…wondering how I was going to deal with this. I’ve learned a lot about shame and how it is at the core of depression, anxiety, overeating, and addiction. I’ve learned to feel the wave of the emotion, understand where it came from, forgive the perpetrator, forgive myself, and let it slide on down the river.

Shame was at the center of my onion. It was only visible when I peeled back every other layer of my psyche. When it was exposed, I could plainly see how it had predicated my every move. It was the hardest thing I ever worked on. When I was waking up in the ER after my overdose and I realized what I had done, I began weeping uncontrollably and repeating, “I’m so ashamed…I’m so ashamed.” The nurse, God bless her, stopped what she was doing, wrapped her arms around me, and comforted me saying, “You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your heart is broken. Your mind isn’t feeling well. Would you be ashamed if you broke your arm? Or had appendicitis? Of course you wouldn’t. This is no different. You just need to heal this hurt place.” I loved her for that.

I sat there and rewound that twenty minute talk and listened to it no less than four times…each time letting Brené’s words wash over me and soothe that sore place that still sits with my inner child. You can watch this video HERE.   

I thought I would leave you today with some images from the farm. There weren’t any spring flowers out yet…I’ll try again next week. It’s still lovely, nonetheless. Till tomorrow…

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“Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for you are my praise.”

Jeremiah 17:14 ESV

#Shame, #Vulnerability, #Growth, #Healing