What happens when you hit the wall? When grief raises its ugly head and bites you in the butt? When you “wear the same jammies four days straight” and can’t get out of yourself like a friend of mine did recently? It happens. When you think you’re done with grief, that b**** will grab you by the short hairs and lay you low…just like that. So, what do you do?
Having an accountability partner helps. If you have that trusted friend, let him or her know if they don’t hear from you in “x” number of days, send in the troops. I knew my friend had “gone dark” and I was about to go roust her up and force feed her when she did it on her own.
I had a hard and fast rule…I simply would not allow myself more than two consecutive days of “mattress surfing”. If I had to crawl to the kitchen for coffee and do nothing but pull on sweats and run a brush through my hair, at least I had moved from the bed to the couch. Every little piece of progress adjusts your thinking and that adjusts your reality. I know, I know…much easier said than done in the throes of grief. Just do your best.
On the days that you are feeling good and upbeat, don’t let yourself forget what the dark feels like. Make yourself some care packages in preparation for those down days. Get a little gift bag or pretty tote. Fill it with a box of tissues, some good chocolate, a coloring book and crayons, a favorite magazine or two with lots of colorful, glossy pictures, a fresh pair of jammies and clean socks, a new toothbrush and a different flavor toothpaste, a little bottle of perfume, maybe a little makeup, a nice new tea and a new mug. You can get these things at the dollar store…they don’t have to be fancy…just readily available. If you do manage to get up, go straight to your kitchen sink and scrub it…whether you want to or not. There’s something about a shiny, clean sink that sets the tone. And, try making your bed if you manage to get up. It’s less inviting to jump back in when the bed is dressed and so are you.
There are days when it comes back as fresh and new as it was, this grief we have in common. But remember, when you slip…when you pull back in your shell… you aren’t going back quite as far as you were. Not back to the beginning. Hang in there. Stay vertical as much as you can. And treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would offer a dear friend. ❤️
“Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you…”
3 John 1:2 NIV
Thank you
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Thank you for the wonderful idea…. I am going to make a “Care package” for a friend who recently lost her husband. I know her days are long and she will be more than moved to know someone is thinking of HER and the difficult days she is enduring.
Beautiful! ❤️
Grief never leaves…it is always lurking somewhere near by! My husband died suddenly almost 10 years ago and it seems to be hitting more often now. Also my youngest son passed away seven years ago this April and that is still hard! I do not allow myself the pajamas all day!! Because I have other family and friends and things to do! I feel a church family is very important and we know our heavenly father is always there to console us! I am in a prayer shawl ministry at my church and we have seen how they help many others on bad days! Lots of dark dreary days here in Vermont…hoping for more sunshine and flowers….soon! It will come!!!
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Today is day 200 since I lost My husband. I haven’t had a stay in bed yet. When the darkness starts to seep in, I head outside, regardless of the weather. I have the coloring books and my journals to color and write in…our mantra was /is You Gotta Believe….I repeat that numerous times to myself a day ?
Your day count reminds me of a post I wrote. I had downloaded an app called “Days Since” because I was trying to figure out something unrelated to my loss. Then, the next logical thing was curiosity as to how many days it had been since Mr. Virgo died. I was stunned…it had been 1,000 days. And I was still alive. That changed my perspective entirely. I’m glad you are here with us, Linda. ❤️
We all have good days or not, regardless of personal grief history. It can be real hard to put heartache in perspective, but I use Reading. News, world events, history, fiction. Nothing like a good dose of humanity to put ours in perspective on those jammie days. Not to beat ourselves up about feeling bad, but to give us things to be thankful for. I made a list of joy-giving things and look at it often because they can get lost in the static. Simple, immediate things to get my mind spinning in a different direction, a more positive one, a less inner-directed one. You ride the waves, but you want to eventually wade out of the surf after a good dunking.
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