There are so many good memories wrapped up in this Holiday Season. Memories of Christmases past can bring us so much joy and peace. Unfortunately, these times can also bring us hard, painful memories. Hurtful things may have happened to us as children and the holidays can trigger that. And, some of us are experiencing our first or second holiday without our person and we find little joy in the twinkling lights and merriment invading the sturdily erected walls we’ve placed around our hearts. 

I remember well that first holiday after Mr. Virgo died. All I wanted to do was draw up in a ball in my bed and stay there till spring. I know I went to Denver to be with my kids that Christmas, but I have no memory of it. I do remember an amazing visit with Santa and sharing my broken heart with him. I had such hopes that the second Christmas would be better, but things fell apart with my elderly aunt at the farm and I had to change directions yet again. The third Christmas was easier, and subsequent holidays easier still.

That doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten Mr. Virgo, or that I don’t think of him…especially at holiday time. It’s really hard to explain the changes my new love has brought me. There has been great healing in my heart. Mr. FixIt is such a great husband and my best friend. And still, there is a place in my heart where Mr. Virgo lives. It takes a very strong man to marry a widow, just like it takes a very strong person to marry someone who’s been divorced. There are wounds there. And scars. We wrap our wounds together and hold each other close and in time, things mend and stitch together. But, there will forever be a scar there. Grief is the price we pay for love.

I attended an 80th birthday celebration yesterday for one of my mom’s cousins. I gifted Sue one of the memory books of the farm that I wrote this fall. I gave it to her when I arrived, then told her I knew she would be busy greeting all her guests, so I was going to borrow the book and return it before I left. I walked around and shared it with several family members and It was a lot of fun. Those are the soft memories that bring us warmth and joy. We talked about the summers picking strawberries. There were pictures in there some hadn’t seen. I’ve also done a great deal of work on the family tree. I showed them photos of their great-great grandparents and shared some of the stories I know. I’m sensing another book needs to be written…The Farm, Part 2.

I had coffee with some of my classmates yesterday morning which was lovely. I spent the majority of the day chasing down some last minute Christmas gifts. I’m almost finished with the shopping then we can wrap and deliver. For several reasons, we won’t be having a great big family gathering this year. But we’ll have smaller groups and still make warm memories together.

I think the biggest gift I’m giving myself and Mr. FixIt is as stress free a holiday as I can this year. We have a lot going on in the next few weeks, so “easy does it” is the name of the game. Mr. FixIt baked his FAMOUS peanut butter cookies with the kisses on top yesterday. I had hoped all the baking would be done by now, but I’m afraid not. He did get the new angel on top of the tree yesterday. Maybe I’ll get some baking done today and watch some Christmas movies. That sounds peaceful to me.

❄️

“remember the former things of old….”

Isaiah 46:9 ESV