My ex and his wife just bought a huge new house on three acres. I’m happy for them. Seriously. They’ve worked hard for what they’ve grown together and they are two beautiful souls. And, even though I am happy for them, when I saw that house, I felt the tiniest little squeeze of jealousy. A fleeting thought crossed my mind. “That could have been me. That could have been my house!” Then I smiled at that petulant child and said, “Hush now and remember who you are.”

For a long, long time I tried to be something I wasn’t. I wore masks and different costumes, trying this one and that to see what fit…to find my identity. My identity was fractured in my youth by dysfunction and sexual abuse. I longed to be understood yet I had no words to express what I was feeling. I remember a period of time when I couldn’t see my face in the mirror. I was a mess.

Things got so bad. I built a house of cards and it was just a matter of time till they all came crashing down around me. I tried to be Jewish. I tried to be a good doctor’s wife. I tried to put on a happy face…till I didn’t have the energy to try anymore. When everything came crashing down, it was devastating to a lot of people. We are all changed because of it. But we survived. And now we’re stronger and much more real.

Yes, they have a beautiful home. And so do I. My home is portable. I can park it anywhere. I can change my view on a whim. I have no grass to mow, no fences to mend. I can carry everything I own on eight wheels. I have no mortgage. My living expenses are fairly minimal. All those things are pluses in my book. Thank God I don’t wear a mask now. I don’t try to be something I’m not. I don’t tap dance for my supper anymore. And that is living on a grand scale.

❤️

“For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice.”

James 3:16 NIV