I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. Nothing major…just a follow up on something we’re keeping an eye on. Aside from the boring green floral upholstery on the chairs, there were some unmemorable pieces of what would pass for art. You can go in any medical office in America and see the same room. Rather than pick up germy, outdated magazines, I pulled my knitting out of my bag to get a few rows in before my name was called.
As I stitched, my mind was drawn to the television hanging in the corner of the room in front of me. Our local hospital is affiliated with WVU Medical Center and the TV plays an endless loop of PR stories…physicians and patient profiles that demonstrate the different specialties and what they can achieve.
As I knit two, perl two, something caught my attention. A woman was on the screen talking about her husband. He had arrived home early from work and decided to take the dog and go for a run. She continued to shop on the computer when he returned in moments saying he didn’t feel well. Her nurse mode kicked in and she realized he didn’t look well. She checked his pulse and to her horror, realized he was having a heart attack. She got him down on the floor and implored him to stay awake. He said he was trying and with that, lost consciousness. She began CPR while trying to dial 911, shouting to the phone on the floor to send an ambulance right away.
It was my story all over again.
I found myself gripping the knitting needles, willing the man to breathe, to wake up, to not leave his wife alone to clean up the mess of death…to stay a little longer so she wouldn’t feel what I felt. While I was relieved to hear he made it, there was that familiar pang of “Why me? My MY man?”
Tears stung my eyes…to my surprise.
I don’t let myself go there very often anymore. It’s like a photo album and I know what the pictures inside look like, but I don’t necessarily need to get it down and view it very often. It’s just easier on me if I don’t go there.
And, besides…I’m married again. Aren’t I not supposed to grieve another when I have this wonderful man in my life now? I don’t grieve like I once did. That is a GOOD thing. That is the way it should be. But just know this: There will be times, there will be moments, there will be events that will trigger you and, no matter how happy you are and your life is vastly improved, you’ll still “go there”. This is normal and I want you to know that. I want you to be gentle with yourself. Don’t feel guilty. Feel your feels cause they’re as real as real can be. You never stop loving…you start loving more. And gradually, you begin hurting a little less, and a little less, and a little less till you put the photo album up on the shelf. ❤️
“Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants.”
Psalm 116:15 NIV
Thank you for sharing this today. I’ve been following your posts for a little over a year now. I lost the love of my life in 2011. I never thought about having another relationship until now. A former love interest from 40 years ago has entered my life again. I’m not sure if it was by coincidence or A God wink. But it happened and we’ve been spending time together. I’m happy but also get these waves of grief and guilt. He loves me as he did so long ago. I care about him but this has been so difficult for me. I too, have two grown daughters and three beautiful little grands. Thanks for listening.
My only advice is to take things slow. If he is a good man, he will not rush you. Just take your time. ❤️
Thanks Ginny. That’s what I’ve been doing. Take things slow.
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It’s bittersweet isnt it? We have to lose the happiness we had to have the happiness we have now. It’s easy to go back & wonder what our life would be now if we hadn’t experienced our loss. Good to know those feelings are normal.
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Thank you for always sharing your honest feelings Ginny, it is more of a blessing than you will ever know. I am very familiar with the “dark corners” myself and have often wondered if I would ever make my way out. The fact that you share your grief with such eloquence and open your heart, gives us all the knowledge that we are not alone and that there are others such as yourself further along in this process, who are leading us out of those dark corners. Bless you today!!…..
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This is true of me as well. I am happily married to a great guy, but I often have dreams of my late husband.
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I just read your posting and I love your point of loving and not always have to open the album. I call the door to the room with heartache and the “what it’s”. It has all the possible outcomes that would have changed that ugly night but those scenarios will never happen. But the life I had with my wife was magical and incredible but she changed me for the better and I would do her an injustice by not moving forward and be the man she loved. My love forever for her endures I must honor her by living in the present not the past. Thank you for that reminder.
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When triggered like this, if we can’t be allowed to ‘feel the (real) feels’ , what is the point? anyone who says it’s ‘past time’ to acknowledge our pains can just go stuff it, IMO. Thanks, Ginny, for sharing this important part of our healing journey.
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Oh my, Ginny. I wasn’t expecting to read this but know it was orchestrated by my God. Today is my first day as a Sister.
My husband died almost 3 years ago. 18 yrs of vascular disease, strokes, dementia and it was cancer that ended his life and our marriage of 35 years
I am retiring soon and after long consideration and prayer I bought a Shasta 15’ and a diesel truck. I’ve never pulled a trailer and never driven a truck! But here I am opening the door to new adventures. I don’t camp and I’m not a cowgirl or a fisherman! I am excited, nervous and a bit scared. But I have deep faith that my God is faithful to his Word
Romans 8:37-39 NIV
It is nice to meet you Ginny. I am thankful you are my very first Sister encounter!
Well, bless your heart! I so love my camper and getting out with like-minded women is a wonderful way to learn new skills. I’m so happy you have joined the ranks! There are lots of ways to learn about camping and towing. There will always be someone more experienced at events and they are happy to help. A really great resource for learning about all things Camping is the Girl Camper Podcast. You can go to Janine’s website at camplikeagirl.com and listen to her podcasts. They are fun and informative. Janine blogs for the RV industry and is all about going places and doing things. Maybe we will share a campfire sometime. ❤️