The other day I was messing around with my iPhone trying to figure out how long it had been since something had happened. After adding and calculating and trying to figure out leap years, I figured there had to be an app for that. And there is. Several, in fact. I chose one appropriately called “Days Since” and downloaded it. I figured out my answer then started playing with the app. And, of course, the first date I put in was the date and time Mr. Virgo died. I was stunned to see a monumental day coming soon. So, I set my phone alarm for yesterday afternoon at 3:40 and waited for the time to hit 3:42. One thousand days.

I sat there for a while thinking about what the last 1,000 days have done to me…with me…for me. And, more importantly, what I have done with THEM. What have I done with those 1,000 days Mr. Virgo didn’t get to have? Have I used them wisely? How many have I wasted? What do I have to show for those tragically broken days? And the beautiful ones? What would I have done differently?

What have I learned? Ahhhhh, grasshoppa. That is the question.
I have learned how to die and live through it. I have learned it is possible to pick your heart up out of burning embers and breathe life back into it. I have learned you can hear God even when you’re screaming. I have learned to be still. I have learned you cannot cry yourself to death no matter how hard you try. I have learned to trust myself more and others maybe not quite so much. I have learned to trust God implicitly. I have learned who my closest friends are. I have learned how much my family and friends love me. I have learned how to let go of people, places, and things that no longer serve me. I have learned to say “No”. I have learned to say “Hell, no!” I have learned not to feel guilty about either one.

I have learned to paddle a kayak and hook up a camper and back it up perfectly. I have learned that emptying a black water tank isn’t the huge big deal I thought it was. I have learned how to break into my camper when I lock myself out. Actually, I learned that four times. I have learned to love my GPS.

I have learned not to listen to sad country music on rainy summer evenings. I have learned not to open a bottle of Halston No. 10 unless I want to cry. I have learned to wear his leather bomber jacket and my wedding band when I want to feel close to him. I’ve learned I love it when others say his name and tell me how much they miss him. I’ve learned Christmas will never be the same. My life will never be the same. The world will never be the same. How could it be? One thousand days ago, a heart as big as the ocean stopped beating. But…I’ve learned mine did not. I’ve learned to trust there is a reason for that. I have work to do here. I have stories to tell. I have beauty to find. I have love to give.

I have learned to have hope.

I have learned to live.

I have learned there is so much more to learn. I’ll report back after the second one thousand days to tell you what that is.

❤️

“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

Isaiah 43:2 NIV