Have you read this book by Don Miguel Ruiz? I first read The Four Agreements when I was separated from my second husband. I gave it to him to read and I think it helped us get through the process in as loving a manner as was possible at the time. It is based on Ancient Toltec wisdom. The Toltecs were the predecessors of the Aztecs. Basically, it works on the premise that our entire belief system is based on the agreements we make…with ourselves, with each other, and with the universe. We’ve been making agreements since the day we were born and all those agreements can sure muddy up the waters. Don Miguel Ruiz distills everything down to a way we can simplify our lives by working on four basic agreements…a sort of psychological roadmap, as it were.
The First Agreement isn’t too hard. “Be impeccable with your word.” In other words, speak with integrity. Remember your words have power and you should strive to use them for good. Speaking ill of yourself or of others is not healthy nor is it productive.
Number Two is, “Don’t take anything personally.” What others say about you, good or bad, has absolutely nothing to do with you and absolutely everything to do with them and where they are in their personal journeys. When you are immune to the judgement and criticism of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
The Third Agreement is…”Don’t make assumptions.” Find the courage to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.
Number Four is “Always do your best.” Keeping in mind, of course, your best varies day to day…sometimes hour to hour. If you just follow this one agreement and always do your best, you can change your life tremendously by removing self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.
I do pretty well with three of these agreements. If there were just the first, third, and fourth? I’d be golden. But nooooooo! There’s that darned Second Agreement in there that drives me berserk! I work on it all the time and it’s the hardest thing in the world to me. I mean, really…how is it possible that someone can say something mean, ugly, and hurtful to me without me taking it personally? I can talk this thing till the cows come home. I can rationalize and tell you this is the absolute truth, then turn right around and take something totally personally and it makes me smack my head every time. Especially when it’s my friends who point it out to me.
Case in point. I had a really busy first week back in West Virginia this trip. I managed to see lots of people but didn’t get over to see my cousin and his wife. Then, about a week after I got back, my cousin’s wife posted a meme on Facebook that said something about people making time for those they really want to be with. I sat right there, read that, and was absolutely certain…beyond a shadow of a doubt…she was talking about me. And this is the conversation I had in my little pea brain….”Here I’ve been home a week and I haven’t called! What must they think of me? They must think I don’t love them or I don’t want to be with them! Oh my gosh…that is SO not true! I’ve got to get ahold of them and apologize for not calling earlier!” So I sent a text. No response. Now I’m convinced they are really hurt…or worse yet, angry with me for not letting them know I was back safe. I dropped by their house. No answer at the door. Could they be inside and not answering? (Can you see how crazy making this is getting?) I called their home phone. I called their cell phone. No answer. Now I’m firmly convinced I have just ruined a beautiful relationship by not calling them for a week. Oh, yeah….my reptilian brain actually took me there. I decided I’d try one more way and sent a private message on Facebook asking if they were mad at me. The answer I got back? “Oh, heck no! We’re out of town! Be back the end of the week.”
Busted.
Caught again with my hand in the cookie jar of ugly, non-sensical agreements that I have followed religiously all my life. I KNOW BETTER! I understand the Second Agreement. And most times I can make it work for me. But sometimes, if I’m in that vulnerable down place where I was last week, I can’t imagine that it ISN’T about me.
Some friends and I were sitting out on the back porch Sunday morning talking. At this point I hadn’t heard from my cousin’s wife so I was still sure they would never speak to me again. I brought the subject up and one of them said, “You took that personally, didn’t you?” Ummmmm, yeah. “Well, it doesn’t have a single thing to do with you.” Ummmmm, how do they know this? Did they read the book? I told them about The Four Agreements and that nasty Number Two that throws me for a loop. And they reiterated that it indeed has absolutely nothing to do with me.
Retraining your brain to think entirely differently than the way you were raised…than the way you have thought most of your adult life…is not easy. We stopped and looked at each other in silence then I threw my hands in the air and cried, “I’m working on it, ok???” And we laughed. Because that’s what we do. That’s our “Girl’s a little crazy!” support group slogan. And I am. I’m working on it.
❤️
““Say to them, ‘This is what the Lord says: “ ‘When people fall down, do they not get up? When someone turns away, do they not return?”
Jeremiah 8:4